Don't EVER Get Old!

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12.April.2005

Like many of you out there, I am aging. When I say many of you, I mean me. It’s all about me. Ok, it’s not really all about me but I like to pretend that it is because it makes me feel like I’m important. And as we all know with age comes wisdom, social security (we hope) and fun with medical procedures.

Speaking of me, I had an endoscopy this week. This is where a doctor puts a camera down your throat to see how your tummy is doing. First though, they have to make you relax by sticking you numerous times with sharp needles, which is always a good way to cause the relaxation response if that response includes teeth clenching, foot wiggling and scrunching your face up so you appear to be part Sharpei. After the first nurse was unable to find a cooperative vein on the back of my hand, which coincidentally is one of the most painful places to be poked with a needle, she wrapped my hand in a steaming hot heat pack that I was certain would leave me with third degree burns and went off to find a more experienced nurse to try again. As she walked away I mentioned that this in no way was increasing my anxiety level because according to my color-coded personal threat chart, I was already at puce. There was no higher color. Puce was it and I was there. I could go no further up on the anxiety.

She came back with a little pill and told me to put it under my tongue to help me relax. Since I was certain that a pill under my tongue was less anxiety producing than a sharp needle shoved under my skin, I gladly took it and put it under my tongue. My only problem was that it was a tiny pill. I wanted a larger pill. About the size of a jumbo jawbreaker would have suited me just fine. I mentioned this fact to her but she said the pill was all right and that after they got the IV in me they’d be giving me more medication to relax me. Ah yes. More needles was just what I needed to negate the relaxing effects of the miniscule pill she’d given to me. This was fun.

My veins continued to play hide and seek five more times before crying uncle and giving in to the inevitable. I walked to the examination room where the doctor was waiting for me. He asked me if I was going to stay this time, I said I was considering sticking around. The last time I was there I’d gotten through the IV ordeal and then jumped off the table before the procedure. Me? Scared of medical stuff? What gives you that idea?

I stayed. Mostly because in order to keep me there they immediately rendered me unconscious so I was unable to leave. In fact they got me so out of it that I slept through the procedure as well as several more sharp needle punctures for a blood draw and other unmentionable acts that I will…uh, not mention.

The rest is a hazy blur. I am told that I walked with my eyes closed to the vehicle that was driving me home. Then I got in face first and butt up. It took several attempts for nurse, my father and my sister to get me sitting correctly and seat belted in.

Here is where the fun stops. Apparently the drugs I was given not only made me sleepy, they served as a truth serum. My father and my sister took advantage of me in my weakened state to ask me probing, personal questions and I have a hazy memory of signing some legal documents as well. I’m not sure but I think they now own all my property as well as the right to sell my body to the highest bidder. However, since I’m aging I don’t think they’re going to get such a good deal. Serves them right.

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editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Oh no! The Truth Serum! I should have warned you about that!!! I'm cracking up at you climbing into the car face first, butt up.........hahahahaha (BTDT)
Margie
Massena, NY USA -

Wow Pam- Always trying to find the humor in things! Amazing. Also- isn't it crazy they give you truth serum. I mean how mean is that? And your family took advantage of that... Goodness. And you signed your inheritance off to the Hospital. Outrageous! :-P ;-)
Marian
Riverdale, UT USA -

Handling a stressful situation with humor, as usual, Pammy. You rock! And you always make me smile. :-)
Libby
USA -

Pamela, Your story was funny the way you told it but not funny when you actually live it. I had colon cancer when I was in my 30's. After that I had a colonoscopy every three months for the first two years, every six months for another three then once a year for many years. I too have veins that jump around and are hard to find. I know what it is to sit and cry while the nurse tries to find a better qualified nurse and a smaller needle. I envy your talent...I don't think I could make the experience sound funny but as always you did it very well. Judy
Judy Watkins
USA -

Remember Pam...you're always as young as me. :-)
MeL
Kilgore, TX USA -

LOL, funny as always Pamela, my dear friend. I, too, hope all is ok. Keep in mind that with turning over ownership of your property comes turning over some of the debt! heehee As far as auctioning off your body, it would bring them your weight in gold!!! Keep smiling, beautiful!!! Oh, and "geojlc of Shoreline, WA": LOL, on the "Take IV" comment!!! Hugs & Kisses to all the family, Pamela!
Rebecca
Mesquite, NV USA -

Wow. I can see why you hate needles... Hopefully the test results that they worked so hard to get came back ok? I'd hate for you to have to go back for more... But then we could call the column "Take IV"... :-)
geojlc
Shoreline, WA USA -

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