Chipmunks and Spam

Index

4.April.2005

You hear about it happening to other parents, but you just know it can’t happen to you. You brought your children up with values and morals and they simply wouldn’t trash all your training for self-gratification of the lowest order. It’s not something that is supposed to happen in good families. If your children start up with this stuff you hide it from your friends out of embarrassment and with good cause. Who wants their children to consort with someone who’d stoop to this level of behavior?

My son has been eating Spam.

To my shame, I enabled his habit by having a Costco sized pack of it in the house. I think it’s been here since the 1980’s as a food storage item. It is much like those glass covered fire alarm switches., only to be used in case of emergencies. I checked. There is no culinary emergency in our home. This is why I am baffled. Why would he stoop to such a low? Did I teach him nothing? What’s next? Twinkies? They both have the shelf life of Ted Kennedy’s political career but that’s not the point. Longevity should not be the benchmark in a food item’s consumptive qualities. Unless of course you’re a poor college student who will eat anything, up to and including four day old pizza stuck to the cardboard box it came in and/or food that has had it’s fuzzy covering of mold removed in order to make it more palatable. Not that I ever did any of those things while I was a poor college student. Much.

He’s neither a poor college student nor a starving artist. I’m baffled.

This is not the first time his behavior has brought me to open-mouthed amazement status.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Teenage boys do not have the brains God gave chipmunks.

My son pulled up his shirt Saturday evening to show me a red welt on his shoulder. Not only was he showing it to me, he was bragging about how it got there. Seems he and his friends were having a BB gun fight. With actual BB guns. Shooting at each other. With guns. Loaded guns. Shooting. Actual aiming at another person and hitting them. On purpose. With high velocity projectile weapons.

This is where I had a sudden impulse to call Jonathan’s parents and ask them how they could raise such an irresponsible child.

Son, proudly: “Yeah, but I hit him first” At this point I realized that there was never going to be a way to fix this child. He is, after all, male. And when I say male I mean it in the worst possible sense of the word. Bruises, cuts, scrapes and sucking chest wounds are all badges of honor with the male species. He’s still proud of the time he got his fingers caught in a blender and lived to show off the mangled mess to his buddies. Last week he ripped off a fingernail sitting on his skateboard and riding it down a hill. He couldn’t wait to show me the bloody mess.

Like I said, chipmunks have more brains. And they probably wouldn’t touch Spam, or shoot their pals with BB guns. Of course that whole lack of an opposable thumb thing would hinder their ability to do so, but you can bet that male chipmunks have thought about it while their mother’s slapped their furry foreheads and wondered where they went wrong.

I’m considering wrapping my son in bubble wrap till he’s of legal age just so he’ll live that long. Then he can be someone else’s problem. Don’t worry, I’ll put enough spam in there with him so he won’t starve. Just don’t tell my friends.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Pam, Pam, Pam.......I'm calling CPS. hahahahhaha!
Margie
Massena, NY USA -

I notice that some of your other readers has the same fond memories of Spam that I do. Ah, those were the days. Fried Spam and eggs for breakfast, grilled Spam and cheese sandwiches for lunch, Spam topping the dinner salad. What Boy Scout ever went camping without a can of Spam in his backpack? You know, Spam even worked well as fish bait. Mmmmm.... lunch.
Greg
Camas, wa USA -

Ms Pam. . . Spam rhymes with Pam, so you DO know it is genetic? Boys are beasts quite honestly, and though they are interesting creatures, they love dripping blood, sporting scars and breaking body parts. Comes from the CMS (Cave-Man Syndromn). As always, witty and enjoyable.
M Steed
Roseville, CA USA -

I just read about spam and BB guns. Brian just asked for one again last week. However this is the child we call the "clueless wonder". He is so smart and so clueless at the same time that he is a wonder (this is a term of affection not a put down!). IN talking to other mothers of 12 year old boys I find I am not alone. However I thought he would out grow it. Now I know I'm in for a long haul. We have many conversations that begin with, "Did you think about......? How could you have done this differently?" Every once in a while I see glimmers of hope. And who couldn't love a boy who is as tall as I am and uses big words but still hides beanie babies in his bed!!
Kimm
PA USA -

ROFLMBO!!!!! Oh my goodness!! Well I'm glad your chipmunk, er, your son, is ok in spite of the bb gun wound. Yikes. Carolyn
Carolyn
CA USA -

Pamela, I am afraid I understand some of your son's actions. I was raised in the 40's when Spam was a part of every family's diet and I learned to like it. My husband was in the Navy during those years and he hates it, but every now and then I have to buy a can just for me. I love it fried crisp on bread and butter sandwiches. My mother used to cut it up in cubes and add it to tossed salads. I even remember the cubes in potato salad or macaroni salad. I showed up in many forms. Would you believe we went to lunch at the American Legion a couple of weeks ago and they were serving hamburgers and fries and had a slice of Spam on each plate to add to the sandwich for those who wanted it. I may have been the only person there that actually ate it. They called them "military" burgers. Now the gun shooting thing is a little strange. I recall as a child the neighbor boy shot my sister's tooth out by accident. It cause a real family dispute. Good luck raising teens. So glad it is you and not me. I lived through it once and never, never again. Thanks for sharing your wonderful column. Judy
Judy
TX USA -

Oh man that frightens me. Pete is the youngest of nine, seven brothers and one sister AND they grew up on a farm. This story follows right in line with the types of things they did. Scary! What is in that Y chromosome? He does make for good material though. If we do have a boy, at least I was forewarned. ; ) Jenny
Jenny
Puyallup, WA USA -

Thanks, Pamela, for giving me another blessing to count: I had only daughters. They only hated their math teacher, chose loser boyfriends, and snitched MY clothes [which shows you how much fashion sense they had]. I do SO hope that you are archiving these columns to present to your son on his 40th birthday or when he grows up--which ever comes first. You are always such a bright addition to my day! Thanks! Lou
Lou
FL USA -

You should tell your son that a neighbor kid here got shot with a bb gun and it got to his heart. he had to go in for surgery.
Kevin
Tacoma, WA USA -

It has to be a Male trait. My dad remembers some of his childhood friends taking the old World War one Helments and shooting BBs at each other's head. I pray that my son's DO NOT take after their grandfather.
Annalee
Council Bluffs, IA USA -

Wow. Your son has such... Adventures... I guess you could call them that... And the BB gun must have been exciting too! :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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