Global Conflict

Index

9.March.2005

Everything I needed to know about Global Conflict I learned from my teenager.

There are two ways this works: One entity, say Iraq, believing themselves more powerful and therefore more worthy, sees something belonging to someone else that they want to own. Be it land, oil, eye shadow, or that really cool boombox that Mom won in a writing contest. Because they, Iraq, perceive themselves to be more powerful than the governing body that has ownership of what they desire, for example Kuwait, they decide to simply take what is not rightfully theirs. After appropriating by stealth what was not theirs to appropriate, in the first place, they claim ownership by maintaining that they could make better use of it and said resource was not being used anyway and besides, they needed it more. This also explains the highly charged conflict between rival hip-hop pants-to-their-knees-wearin’-gangsta-rappin’-moguls. We’re not certain what turf they are taking from each other and quite frankly we don’t care. We have bigger fish to fry in the matter of missing make up and CD players.

All I wanted to do was listen to a CD while I prepared dinner. A quick check of my kitchen counters revealed that my lovely blue CD player was absent. Gone. Missing. As it turns out, stolen by one of the very humans I’d given birth to sixteen years ago.

Oddly enough, sixteen years ago I was not informed that the tiny squalling infant they placed into my arms would grow up to teach me about Global Conflict and thievery on a scale so immense that I’d be left music-less, makeup-less and wearing elastic waistbanded pants for the remainder of my days upon this planet earth. She stole my waistline, but has never admitted her guilt in this crime. Charges are still pending.

Me:

Teenage Mutant Thief:

Me:

Teenage Mutant Thief:

Me:

Teenage Mutant Thief:

Me:

Teenage Mutant Thief:

And therein lies most of the global problems of our day. The haves and the have nots. In her eyes, I am one of the ‘haves’. I have makeup, I have a cd player, I have a driver’s license and a vehicle. I also have bills, but for some reason she’s not trying to steal those away from me. I’d not put up much of a fight should she try. Perhaps that would work better if I somehow managed to disguise them as makeup. It’s much like the Governorship here in Washington State. Rossi had it, albeit briefly, before Gregoire took it from him. Rossi should hire my Teenage Mutant Thief onto his staff. He’d probably still be in office.

There are moves and countermoves in this dance of ownership.

The trick is to use diplomacy as far as you can take it, then you counterstrike with overwhelming force when they least expect it of you.

I walked out to the garage, unplugged my CD player and brought it back into my kitchen when she wasn’t looking. It was mine, all mine!

The next morning it was gone again. This time it was my six year old who had stolen it from me. Another aspect of Global Conflict that I’ve learned the hard way is that the elders teach their young how to take from the haves.

I am going to go out and buy myself a new CD player and chain it to my kitchen counter. I’ll do that as soon as I find out where my make up was taken.

Index

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That was freaking hilarious. And so true. We have started buying four of the same things (but in different clors) so as to prevent Global Conflict at this homestead. But I'll be danged if I still don't see my colors hanging from the heads of my kids. "But dad, i couldn't find mine and yours was where you always leave it." "I know. We call that my desk. And why can't you find yours?" The three most dreaded words in parentdom: "I don't know." Thanks for the articles Pam. They make my day.
Trace
USA -

Dear Pam This is another gem. What I love about your writing is you don't just talk about the day-to-day parenting challenges that so many comedians have used as foder for monologues. Your zany-but-true comparisons and juxtapositions make both things compared funny. Like your kids theivery and Iraq's. that is comic genious. The other thing I love about your writing is how it puts me right into your silly mood so that I start thinking like you. I have to chop a lot of what I write in my responses to you, because instead of responding, I go off into my own comic imitation drawn from my own life. That is genious too--making the personal universal. For example: "Our sarah is too little to take things on quite this scale. What she takes is the airwaves. If she enters the room, the television must be surrendered and switched to HER program. If we drive in the car, the classical radio station must be shut off in favor of the 800 playing of Dinosaur Sue, or Oh Jonah! or...at least she doesn't like Barney. Oh yeah--and I have to hide the scarf my Aunt knitted for me. She COVETS it." Oh yeah. This is supposed to be about your writing! Thank you, as always, for making me laugh. -Lisa
Lisa
USA -

Pam for PRESIDENT!
carsonateer
Nascartown, USA -

Now that was fabulous, not only a lesson on Global conflict, but a lovely little muse on just where that waistline went! Well, well. . Ms Pamela does it yet again. Kudos lady.
Marsha
CA USA -

This explains much. Like why I have my mom's card table, for one thing... Good thing she was already thinking about replacing it. It is older than I am, anyway... :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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