Scavenger Hunt

Index

14.February.2005

My life has become a scavenger hunt. Today I found my ice cream scoop in the overstuffed chair in the living room. I wasn’t hunting for that particular kitchen gadget when I discovered it sitting there, and I still have no clear understanding about why it was removed from the kitchen drawer and dropped onto the chair. I doubt I’ll ever find the reason, and even if I did, I doubt I’d understand it.

Later I was searching for the remote to the television in the family room. Naturally I couldn’t find it because it wasn’t in the family room. I found it later under the table runner on the kitchen table. I still don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to look there first. Silly me.

Last summer my attempt to make cookies was thwarted when all of my measuring cups turned up missing. They were later found strewn across our backyard. I never did find out why.

So, here’s the thing. They say, as you get older, you misplace things, forget things and just plain have memory problems.

I’m not buying that. Here’s the REAL reason we think we’re losing our minds: It’s an evil plan, thought up by our young, to bring us down.

So far it’s working splendidly.

Much like the young ferocious wildebeests of the Kalahari, challenging the elders in their herd for dominance, our young use their youthful wiles to bring us down. Oh sure, no blood is involved, but we’re brought down just the same.

A few years ago I noticed that my silverware was running short. I was missing a lot of forks and spoons. Knives were doing all right, but the rest were somehow disappearing into a black hole. I was forced to purchase new every day silverware in order to maintain our schedule of eating meals on a regular basis. It wasn’t until later that we figured out that our utensils were going into the garbage. You see, once your offspring gets to a certain age, you give them chores. Simple ones at first like clearing their places at the table.

You think they are ready for such responsibility, and they are-to a point. It’s about that time their little brains realize that maybe if they mess up badly enough on a chore, you will never ever ask them to do it again. That’s my theory on why my silverware was ending up in a landfill. They were attempting to get out of clearing their place at the table by throwing out their silverware when they scraped off their plates.

It worked. I had to re-take over that chore because I couldn’t afford to keep letting them do it themselves. Oh, they’re a wily bunch. You should never turn your back on them because you don’t know what Machiavellian scheme their little pre-pubescent brains are coming up with next. Lose your keys? Ha! Can’t find your glasses? Check your kids. Walk into a room and can’t remember what great reason you were there for?

Ahem. Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you there. That’s probably not your children’s fault.

This week the scavenger hunt that is my life has reached epidemic proportions. This time I’ve lost my mind.

Ok, I know that sounds unlikely. But Pamela, you might say, how can that be? You are a witty, funny, articulate writer! You show no signs of having lost nary one brain cell in that gorgeous head of yours!

And therein lies the problem. I’ve begun talking to myself. I ask questions, I answer questions, I carry on little political debates with myself where I always win of course. No one knows how to debate me better than me, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve been reduced to having conversations with myself and it’s the fault of my young. Is it too late to send them back to the Kalahari?

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

I can SO relate to this story!!! Thanks for the laugh!
Margie
Massena, NY USA -

Hi Pam! what a funny funny story !! I always say that sometimes the best conversations you can have are the ones you have with yourself.... Especially when you are in a household of raging teenage hormones!! I loved the whole gig about the missing ice cream scoop, tv remotes etc... but, may I please let you in on a little tidbit that I have learned now that I am experiencing the empty nest syndrome? It isn't always the young that can be blamed for such... and I dont' believe it is that little imp Mr Nobody (who always got blamed when my kids were here) either... Hubby dearest types are also guilty!!! So, look out.... it probably won't get any better ~~ Thanks for supplying me with the funny laughs that I need to remind me that all is not about my treatment, disease, Caleb, etc etc etc! You are so good for my soul !! Lee
Lee Ambrose
Naples, FL USA -

Well Pam your not the only one who has moments like these... I always like to recall the old Dan Quayle saying...."It's a terrible waste when you lose your mind." JP Patches might have you look in the dryer (if it is your birthday that is). =)Kathy
kathy agostinacci
newcastle, wa USA -

Another great column, Pamela!!
Lori
Los Alamos, NM USA -

I know where to come next time I need more answers to life's mysteries..... so you do know where the socks went after I put them in the dryer right? LOVE the way you write
Spasm
Looney Land, USA -

This is a pattern that happens early on as mine are 5 and 2. Thanks for writing this and letting me know I am not alone. Although I don't know about you, but I think my spouse may also be on their side. He never puts anything back where he got it.
jill
louisville, ky USA -

Ohmigosh, that was too uncannily true to life!! LOL! I know this because almost everyone of those things have happened right here in this house! A couple of years ago I had to replace our everyday silver, because we had ONE fork left! My son then informed me that he "might" have "accidently" thrown some of them away! I wish you could have seen my face, when he told me that (I'm sure he hasn't forgotten it!). After that I started buying plastic forks! Anyway, once again, a wonderful column, Pamela! I always look forward to them!
Libby
Fullerton, CA USA -

You first have to HAVE a mind to lose one. You remember all those paper mache science projects with the kids? A mind is a terrible thing to paste! Great story! Been there got the tee shirt somewhere...if i can find it.
carsini
nashedtater , NC USA -

Love to read your columns honey . . . . your mom would be proud. . . . love you . . . Auntie Sharon
Sharon Bono
Seattle, WA USA -

Forgot what I was going to say, Oh yeah, I had a Therapist tell me it's ok to talk to myself, as long as I don't argue. Besides, I have the best answers to the questions I ask myself.
AnnaleeG
Council Bluffs , IA USA -

You should feel lucky only losing silverware. Somewhere along the way, maybe child six, maybe child seven, I discovered that I was also missing my virility. Darn children took that too!! :) Something about that mental mantra... "no more diapers, no more diapers."
Greg
USA -

Great... It's the fault of the young... I don't have young yet. I can't imagine what it will be like when I do have them... At least you can send yours BACK to the Kalahari!
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

Email Me At