The Governor's Race

Index

17.January.2005

If there’s one thing to be learned from our recent gubernatorial election, it’s to never vote with your real name. Or perhaps to not vote at all. Oh that’s just crazy talk, of course you should vote! Because every vote counts and some even count twice! And if you’re very lucky you may be able to join our Vote From The Grave club. Then there are the convicted felons who shouldn’t vote but just can’t seem to help doing their civic duty.

My personal favorite in this entire King County debacle is how they played hide and seek with the ballots. This is where you ‘misplace’ trays of signed ballots and then conveniently find them later during the third round of Who Gets To Be Governor. Apparently here in Washington we’ve been suffering from Florida Envy all these years and didn’t even know it. That’s been taken care of though, because now we have pictures of our election officials holding up ballots to the light in order to determine the intention of the voter. I’ve seen clairvoyants hold the personal belongings of individuals to try and ‘read’ them and this seems to have worked well for the Gregoire campaign. I was able to procure a copy of the King County Election Board’s hiring policy, which clearly states the following:

Qualifying candidates will have a winning smile, B.A. in business and the ability to read minds while posing for AP wire photos. You must also play well with others and enjoy a good game of hide and seek. Compensation depends on experience. If you’ve worked in Florida, we want you!

After the first round, our Governor-elect Dino Rossi came out to thank the voters. The closeness of the voting, however, triggered a recount in which Dino Rossi won again. Again he thanked the voters. We, the voters, were basking in the thankfulness, having been thanked twice. Now we could all take a deep breath and concentrate on more important things, like which celebrity couple was going to implode next. Hint: It was Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston, but we were woefully in the dark at that point. In most children’s games this is when the game ends. But we’re not like other children, er citizens of Washington State. We’re special. We’re KING county and we take that whole KING thing seriously. Let’s count the ballots a third time, only this time lets bring in the mediums!

We all know what happened next. Brad and Jennifer announced their amicable separation and our world began to spin out of control. Thankfully we were all brought down to earth by the results of the third ballot count. Surprise! Democratic candidate Christine Gregoire won the election in the Republican-challenged county of King. Boy, we never saw this one coming.

Then there was this whole inauguration thing, but I think they should have held off on that and settled the whole matter in a more dignified and civilized manner. They should have determined the winner with a mud-wrestling contest between the two candidates.

I know what you’re thinking here. One would obviously have had an unfair advantage over the other and you’d be right. It’s apparent that Christine has been working out and it might have been a smack down, but we didn’t even try it and now the voters of this great county, er STATE, will never really know WHO is the rightful Governor. We’ll all be left to wonder why. Why didn’t the other counties use trained psychics? Why did Jennifer deny Brad the children he so obviously wanted? Will Mayor Nichols really slim down as he said he would?

We may never know the answers to those questions, but we do know one thing. Mud wrestling to determine the Governor would have been a lot more entertaining. Oh, and Brad? Call me.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Ms. Troeppl: Let us introduce ourselves. We are two former election supervisors from a southern state. Due to downsizing in our public positions, we have decided to form a public relations/consulting firm to cash in on, we mean share our knowledge and expertise in the arena of disputed elections. We offer the following services: 1. How to determine the outcome of elections before the ballots are even printed. 2. How to find scapegoats for election mishaps before the election even begins---don't go into any election without a few of these already lined up. 3. Professional training on how to make public statements that fly in the face of all logic and public knowledge--and sound totally convincing (we are currently working with FEMA on this--and you've seen our results!) 4. How to avoid your state being re-named in an unflattering way--stop those "Worst"ington jokes before they even get started (has anyone forgotten Flori-DUH? no) I can see from your recent "situation" (we don't like the word debacle, very distasteful) that you may have thought yourselves protected by the rainy weather and seeminly disinterested eastern half of the country to not have thought ahead of time how to deal with your elections. We offer professional, confidential and fully ratifiable results or your money back (of course, we are in charge of determining and ratifying the results). Hurry, our services are in great demand already in Ohio, and we are gearing up for 2006 in New York (Hilary's got a target on her back as big as our butts!) Don't wait--contact us now.
Lepore & Olipant, P.A.
Lighthouse years from Washington, Flori-du USA -

Well, Pamela, if nothing else, this election’s antics are providing you with plenty of fodder for mockery (or tears?)…….. I read that our nation’s system is the worst in the world because each county does it however it wants to (i.e., differently) which makes it almost impossible to come up with a correct grand total. Imagine being last in vote-counting efficiency among the 118 or 128 democracies on the planet……… Of course, this mean we’re going to improve our system ASAP, right? (fill in the blank) I admit I’m very disgusted with politics these days. So yes, I laughed, because you’re that good, but at the same time I’m also shaking my head with sad disbelief. Good thing I’ve got my upcoming wedding to chase the current political blues away! Thanks for making sweet lemonade out of all those sour lemons, Pamela. And I’m always thirsty for a glass of your lemonade! Claudie
Claudie
TX USA -

LOL Pam! What a messy world we live in eh?? Of course the US of A is definately the best place of all of them... even if we do have to worry about Celebrity Break-ups!
Marian
Riverdale, UT USA -

Pamela, Your story is very humorous as usual even though it is sad. I live in Oregon so I had a front-row seat in the comic-book adventure of who will the governor be? The governor's ball was interesting too - people bought tickets when they were sure that Rossi was the winner - a month or more later they wanted their money back when their candidate didn't win. The media then said that they should be happy to support the new governor no matter who's party they belong to. Yes, it was a circus and didn't leave people feeling warm and fuzzy about who the rightful winner was. He won two times while she won once (counts). Why does that make her the winner? (You might have been a little hard on Florida)...I don't blame Florida, only Jeff Bush!
Judy Watkins
TX USA -

Pamela Your mind is absolutely amazing! I sit here and imagine the wheels turning day and night at warp speed and with each turn, there are multiple thoughts flying around and ... poof! They all land on the page with the outcome being a wonderfully funny essay! How DO you do it ?? FLORIDA ENVY ??? You already know what I think about the whole issue of THAT debacle since I live here in the sunny land of Mickey Mouse.... need I say more?? This is a funny piece ... but, it is a sad commentary on the state of the election process in this country .... but that is a whole other story! And this country wants to teach other countries how to have elections? Right !! Thanks for the laughs over my morning coffee ! You got my day started off just right Hugs
Lee Ambrose
FL USA -

Pam it's as easy as one, ten, twenty! good job.
carse
boogertown, nc USA -

Hilarious again, Pamela--even for those of us who are politically challenged and have no idea who you're talking about. I love the idea of using mud wrestling to determine the outcome of an election. It makes more sense than anything we do now. And the outcome would be obvious. (Though you'd think a count would be obvious. Four is more than three right? Um, or it's less than two plus the deadguy and the one in lock up--or are they the same guy? Hmmmm.) Math was never my strong point, but even I can count. And tell the difference between a chad and no chad, or whatever. On is on and off is off and left isn't right unless you're Arnold Schwarzenager. Hope the election mess is finally behind you folks and you can get to down to other business. Like running a goverment! Right! No left. Never mind.
Lisa
TX USA -

Your politicians are rotters. If I had my way I would nibble them.
Minou May
WPG, CANADA -

Ha! How about Jell-O wrestling? Or an actual race? I do have to say that Rossi was trying not to let Gregoir use recount tactics in King County that he himself used in other Republican counties... But, hopefully it's over and the legislature actualy does an election reform... But in the meantime, the other possibilites are a much mroe entertaining thought! :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

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