Dear Santa

Index

23.December.04

Dear Santa,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written to you, I know. I apologize for not keeping in touch. You see, I grew up and sort of forgot about you. Oh sure, I heard about you every year, but I thought I was too grown up to ever ask you for anything ever again. Then I remembered what I tell my children each Christmas. ‘You gotta believe to receive’.

Santa, I believe.

There are a few things that I’d like to ask you for this year Santa. Here goes….

I want a Governor for Christmas. I know that’s a lot to ask Santa, and it’s not something you might ordinarily see on a Christmas wish list, but there it is. A Governor for our beautiful Evergreen State. I’m sure you can swing it Santa. I believe in you!

Also, even though we don’t have palm trees or hurricanes, I fear we’ve become the new Florida, and therefore the Election Recount Capital of our nation. It was kind of funny when it was some other state, but now it’s my state and I’m not finding it nearly as amusing. At least we’re not seeing video clips of people holding ballots up to the light in search of hanging chads, but still. It’s embarrassing when they keep reporting that they’ve suddenly ‘found’ another hundred or so ballots that had been misplaced.

Santa, I misplace my car keys. I misplace my reading glasses and sometimes even my purse, but ballots? How does that happen? Santa, if you could also bring us a new voting system that’s better than the one we’ve got now, I’d be so happy.

Did you see the number of zeros on the check that the Democrats handed in to start their second recount? All I could think was….wow, just imagine how far that would go for a homeless shelter, or a foodbank or in a clinic for those of us without health insurance right now. But that’s not what I’m writing about Santa. Sorry, I got sidetracked a bit.

I know that right now we have a governor elect, and that’s great, but unless the other side concedes the election, then we really can’t move on and start the process of putting things together for the following years. There won’t be that ‘healing’ that everyone keeps talking about. We need a governor in place in order for our state to move forward.

I’d also like to everyone to stop telling everyone else that they are idiots for the way they voted in the Presidential election this year. It’s rude to keep calling people in the red states drooling, inbred right wing whackos and it’s equally rude to call the blue state folks soul-less, godless baby-killing Liberal idiots. So, if you could please just put a little something in everyone’s stocking this year that would calm them down and bring them back together, that would be great. Maybe some stock options for Microsoft?

Santa, I don’t know if you’ve ever had to take the Alaskan Way Viaduct when you’ve been dropping off gifts up here, but have you seen how it is? It’s getting kind of old and rickety, not unlike some of us, and we need a new one. Thanks.

I’ve been extra good this year Santa, so I’d like to ask for another little gift from your endless bag of goodies. For all the BAH HUMBUG crowd of thugs that keep stealing other people’s holiday decorations, would you please drop a really ugly lump of coal on them? Er, I mean in their stockings? Thanks.

That’s all for now Santa. Thanks! And please don’t forget the Governor for our state. Oh, and one tiny thing. John Kerry had about fifteen million left over from his failed presidential bid. Would you please make sure he doesn’t throw the rest of that money at our state to keep the recounts going? Thanks Big Guy!

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

No kidding! Living in the good ol' state of Texas, I hear ya baby. We had some ballots "misplaced" in this last presidential election. And, though I live in Travis County--the county where the capital of Texas AND the governor's mansion is located, my county went blue. Imagine that. I too am tired of people insulting each other over the election. But my family members have been doing that to each other for decades. I have a sister who was once on the steering committee of the International Socialists Organization, a Mom who is a "Social Democrat" a husband who once voted for Reagan and an Uncle who hints around that he has done some work for the CIA (he's a staunch Republican--national best interest, etc, etc.) So I have seen the mud-slinging first hand. Yuck. It's probably why I have spent my life as far from politics as humanly possible, opting ultimately not even to deal with OFFICE politics. I'd rather read a good book. Some more things I'd like to see from Santa: 1) A real, true weight loss pill that doesn't: damage your heart; cause the jitters, insomnia and irritability; and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. 2) A device that renders booming car stereos silent when they come within a five mile radius. 3) A law requiring motorcycle riders in Texas to wear their helmuts.(Think of the money, time and resources saved on closed-head-trauma hospital stays.) 4) Insurance that: really covered people; didn't cost too much; covered everyone; didn't require so many pieces of paper and calls to 800 numbers. 5) $1 a gallon gas. 6) Free college education for all. 7) Free or cheap, well-run, well-supervised day care for all working parents. 8) A law that, barring gross incompetence, requires employers to hang on to employees at least one year after hiring them. 9) A 5 cents tax on every item of food bought by those NOT on food stamps, used to fund national hunger relief programs. 10) A big, comfy, well-run and supervised place for the homeless to sleep, get a shower, make phone calls, recieve mail and store their stuff. 11) A law requiring multi-nationals to pay foreign workers a fair wage, guarantee humanitarian conditions, limits on child labor and safeguards for the environmental. 12) AND a law requiring such companies to keep a majority percentage of jobs IN our own country, provide a living wage and be required to assist workers who are let go with severance packages, job-hunting help and retraining. 13) A government that really cared about its people. 14) Election finance reform. 15) Adequate mental health care for all. 16) An end to censorship of whats happening in Iraq. (If we actually saw pictures of civilian and US casualites, we might be able to remember we're at war have an incentive to end it.) 17) A requirement that once a day we all lighten up and smile at each other and give free hugs. I love your piece, Pamela. And I loved thinking up my own Santa list. Hope you had a lovely holiday, and a new governor. Lisa
Lisa
USA -

Dear Pam Love your new column! Living in the land of palm trees and hanging chads, I could relate to the feeling that your state has become the laughing stock of the entire nation.... and I don't envy anyone that feeling... but, I really found myself giving you a round of applause and a standing ovation for this line: "All I could think wasÂ..wow, just imagine how far that would go for a homeless shelter, or a foodbank or in a clinic for those of us without health insurance right now. " AMEN!!! Wasteful political spending... think of all the good that could do if REAL people could designate how it was to be spent !!! but that is another subject, I know! Happy New Year to you and your family! Keep the laughs coming ! Lee
Lee Ambrose
FL USA -

Pam. you certainly have a way with words. I just can't believe you didn't use the one's I would have. words like: @%%@ !%#*%^^! and as Rufus Bear would say..."Carnsarned mugglwumpit ding dang rumplefragit."
the agent
redneckville, nc USA -

Those are some pretty big wishes, Pam... Don't make the big guy work so hard that he can't get anything else done! :-) Merry Christmas!
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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