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Satanic Technology3.December.04It’s clear to me now that Satan is in charge of writing technical manuals as well as being the sole brainiac behind developing digital cameras.There is no other conclusion to be reached. Now please remember, that despite the opinion of my teenagers, I do have a brain. It’s been a good brain lo these many years. Oh sure, it’s got a little wear and tear, but it still works. Mostly. All right, occasionally it backfires and sends me into rooms without telling me why I’ve gone there, but that’s got nothing to do with the reason I am unable to figure out how to use the new digital camera I got for my birthday. The reason is Satan. He wants to frustrate me to the point where I’ll give up and throw this tiny little expensive gadget through the plate glass window in my living room. The reason I also know it’s him is because the writings are all hieroglyphics and therefore older than dirt. And who has been around longer than dirt? <Cue the church lady> Satan! The camera has an itsy bitsy card that holds the pictures inside the camera. You can take pictures, view them and decide whether or not to keep them or erase them. There is a limited amount of space to hold pictures on this disc. Apparently my camera only holds one picture. It won’t let me see it, but it does tell me it’s there because it won’t allow me to take any other pictures. It’s FULL, you see. I turn it on, and the screen screams FULL DISC at me. Well, ok, the screaming is just inside my head but it’s still distracting. I figure this picture cost me around three hundred dollars. And it’s of my husband in his bathrobe, playing Nintendo with our son. Satan’s sense of humor is epic. No, you can’t have a Monet or a Rembrandt, but how about a nice little pixel of your husband in his tattered robe? The camera came with Satan’s little handbook. It’s called the Owner’s Manual, as in I OWN YOU NOW SUCKER! JUST TRY TO GET THAT PICTURE OF YOUR MAN IN HIS ROBE OUT OF MY CAMERA! BUAHAHAHAHAHA! Eighty-eight pages of instructions came packaged with this 16-ounce piece of metal. I don’t read instructional booklets, you see they scare me. Plus, I’m sure if you read them backwards you’d find eerie messages telling you to do unsavory things with your new purchase. Like take pictures of spouses in bathrobes. And since the picture that’s stuck in that camera is of my husband, I figure he’s to blame somehow and therefore must make atonement for his sin. Plus, I can’t be sure he’s not in cahoots with Satan in order to drive me insane so he can get his hands on my money. Or my camera. Ok, my money is tied up IN my camera, so you can see my dilemma. His picture is stuck in my camera, Satan and his minions created the camera so there’s a link there somewhere. If I had more time, and if my tinfoil hat wasn’t so tight I’d be able to figure it out. If he deduces how to make the camera work like it’s supposed to work, then who’s to say that he’s NOT in league with Beelzebub? Seriously, who else could decipher the instructional glyphs if not someone working the dark side of the road? Somewhere, Satan is laughing is pointy head off at the millions of us that have bought into how easy it is to point, click and share your beautiful photographs with all your friends and family. Lies, all lies people. Don’t believe them. Hey wait a minute, I just found more instructions in the box. It appears they’re in Japanese. Now all I need to do is learn a foreign language and I’ve got this little problem licked. I feel so much better now. |
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