Someone Please Suspend Me

Index

6.November.04

I got an enormous surprise recently. I was sure something was going one way and it went in a completely opposite direction. I’d like to say I’m pleased about this but I’d be lying and we all know there have been enough fabrications fed to us of late.

There is a sexual deviant living in my home. Shocking, I know. There were no posted flyers on telephone poles with a picture of the beast, no snail-mail delivery from the Police to tell me I was in danger. I wasn’t warned about this, no one told me, and I was somewhat taken by surprise when I found out about my son.

Yes, my son.

He was suspended for three days from school for pantsing a friend, who first pantsed him in gym class. For those of you that don’t know what being ‘pantsed’ means, let me explain. You’re walking around wearing pants one minute and the next minute they’re down around your ankles and you didn’t drop them yourself. Someone stealthily drops them for you without warning. I’m not quite sure how the school faculty knew that a student had been pantsed since most of the boys that age wear their pants practically around their ankles anyway, but they did. I think it was the laughing that gave it away. Apparently, laughing or no laughing, this is considered sexual harassment and is grounds for him spending three days out of school and at home. With me. Lucky, lucky me.

My first reaction when my husband took the phone call on Friday from the Vice Principle, was to rend my clothing a la Fiddler on the Roof and begin the moaning and screaming that precedes ignoring his very existence. Then I remembered the agony of his birth and realized that wasn’t happening anytime soon. It’s been thirteen years and I’m still not over it.

So, barring banishment from my life and home, there isn’t much I can do but send him to some sort of Sexual Harassment Course For Errant Prepubescent Boys. I assumed there would be a plethora of classes available for boys suffering from such aberrant behaviors. After looking, I found there isn’t any such thing offered in my community. I had to go to plan B. Plan B includes me saying to him at intervals during his three day incarceration, “You do know that taking someone’s pants off without their permission is wrong, don’t you?”

He began answering with a low voiced, ‘yes’ but after an entire day of this, he’s begun barking out ‘YES’ at me every time he see’s me without me having to ask the question. Now he’s simply avoiding me altogether, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him. Although he appears to lack the gene for self-control where stupidity is concerned, he’s no dummy. He knows that if he stays in his room for the remainder of his suspension, I am less likely to order him to detail my van or clean the bathrooms with a Q-tip. He does make quick dashes to the kitchen for sustenance and then races right back to his room before I can command a chore out of him. .

All I have to do is bide my time. He’ll trip on his low riding pants and then I’ll pounce. He won’t get far with his pants around his ankles. Like mother, like son. Now if only someone would suspend me for three days so I could spend it in my bedroom.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Pamela, How lucky for you to spend 3 entire days of additional and unexpected "quality time" with your son. Sure, he was hiding in his room (and that's why I said "quality" time), but you were still both under the same roof! (sometimes, that's togetherness enough) And you're right; whether the pants are 10 inches below the waist -as "skater fashion" dictates- or at the ankles, what's the difference? Well, later in life, he'll savor the memory of this little event; and you got to use it as humor material. It's a win-win! (After all, it could have been worse; he could have been pantsing a girl; but he may be saving that one for next year....!!) You're SUSPENDED. But not from writing funny columns! Claudie
Claudie Aquilar
USA -

Oh, Pamela, how I would like to meet this son of yours! However, were such an occasion arise, he probably would turn the tables on you once again by being an absolute paragon of charming attitude and behavior. I, too, wonder how today's teen boys manage to walk around without losing their pants. It seems to me that "pants-ing" one another wouldn't be all that difficult. Looks TERRIBLY uncomfortable to me, but maybe adult discomfort is the whole point! Somehow, it seems to me that this incident hardly warrants THREE days of suspension, but what do I know: my two daughters have been out of school more years than any of us care to remember. Hang in there! If you need a reference for granting you a comparable three days in your bedroom, I would volunteer. Lou
Mary Lou Lyman
USA -

Boys do keep things lively don't they.. Glad you are having fun...
Trudy S
Seatle, USA -

I know what I would have learned. "Don't get caught!"
Con
Edinburg, TX USA -

Me too! Me too! Please suspend me!!! :-) So, did your son actually learn from being suspended?
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

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