Needs and Wants

Index

21.October.04

If you listen very carefully to people, you can learn a lot. Mostly I’ve learned that I wish I hadn’t listened to them in the first place, but then that’s just me.

My teenager came into my room the other afternoon after school and plopped her hip-hugging-jean-wearing body down on my bed.

“Mom, I need new shoes, my old ones are ugly.” Oooooh Kay. I kept typing on my computer, knowing what was coming next.

“Moooooooooooooom! Are you listening to meeeeeeeeee?” Of course I wasn’t listening to her. I heard her, naturally. But listening was another matter entirely.

“I NEED NEW SHOES!” Without looking up from my monitor, I informed her that ‘want’ and ‘need’ are two entirely different things and that as an honors student, she ought to know that. If she didn’t know that, then her SAT scores were going to be a heck of a lot lower than we had anticipated.

A ha. I wasn’t, at that point, attempting to be funny. I was simply pointing out the difference between wanting something and needing something.

“You need food and water. You need oxygen. You need to get excellent grades in order to get a scholarship, but you do not need new shoes if your present ones have suddenly fallen from fashion grace. You only need new shoes if the current ones have holes in them or do not fit you any longer.” A heavy sigh erupted from my daughter and then a noise somewhere between a snort and a grunt. I took this to mean that I was obviously out of the loop as far as needs in the teenage age bracket were concerned. It was painful, but I was certain I’d get over it in time.

Maybe if pretended to be deaf she’d leave me alone.

“MOOOOOM!” Nope. Not going to work.

Wow, three reallys in a row. This must be serious.

“Honey, I’m pretty sure I just explained that if the soles of your feet are not touching the pavement when you are walking in those shoes, then they are still functional and you don’t need new ones.” Then I had a rare attack of brilliance.

“Unless of course you want to use your own money to purchase new shoes, then that would be fine.” Telling a teenager to use their own money to purchase something as mundane as shoes was akin to informing them that from now on, they’d be required to wear their hair in only 80’s hairstyles and listen to country music in front of their friends.

She protested vehemently, as though I’d just suggested that she wear some of my suburban-housewife clothing to highschool and walk down jock hall in front of all the cool kids. A fate worse than death.

No, that suggestion wasn’t going to fly. Mentally congratulating myself on my intelligence, I searched for an escape from this endless loop.

“Sweetie, if you want them that badly, then by all means, buy them yourself. But if they still fit and they aren’t broken, I cannot in good conscience, purchase you a new pair of shoes. I’m sorry.” I wasn’t actually sorry, but I thought that added a nice touch of faux sincerity. A Mom trademark. It didn’t work of course.

The bell-bottomed-jean-wearing teen pushed herself up off of my bed in a huff, stomped from the room, went across the loft to her room and then slammed her door.

Hmm. Should I go after her in Mom-mode, admonishing her about the no-door-slamming rule we’ve had in effect since she was old enough to reach door handles?

Nah. It was suddenly quiet in my general vicinity and I decided to enjoy that for a few minutes while she recharged her Protesting Batteries and came back to assault my position once again. Maybe this time I’d let her know she was welcome to borrow any of my shoes. That would be a stroke of genius and again guarantee another door slamming fest. I can hardly wait.

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editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Pam, I LIKE 80s hairstyles and country music. For the emotional damage you have caused me, I request, simply: a pair of new shoes. Thank you.
Doug
Riverside, CA USA -

Pamela - How wise you are to encourage your daughter to learn the difference between "needs" and "wants." I feel that, measured on an international scale, many of us in this country have become more and more confused about the distinction between the two. Once we have adequate three squares a day, a warm, dry place to sleep, and enough "shoes" to cover our feet we immediately start moving items from the "want" column over to the "need" column. Perhaps it is just human nature to always want more, but the examples of excess in this department are astounding. For just one example: In my relatively small town where we have had an influx of retirees, the newcomers are building 5,000 to 19,000 square foot dwellings to house two people. In other circumstances and locations, that would be enough space to hold half the village! Nobody "NEEDS" that kind of housing when we have so many homeless holding signs at the freeway intersections asking for money for a meal. Can you tell you touched a nerve! I'm sure your daughter wouldn't agree with me, but Kudos to you for laying it on the line for her. The day WILL come when she will thank you for it. Lou
Mary Lou Lyman
USA -

Pamela, I'll be honest with you. I'm really pissed this morning. No, not at you; but I'm still really pissed (I blame Clark and my hormones for that). Anyway, I just read your essay on WANTS and NEEDS, hoping that it would lighten my heavy morning load. It did, immediately. In fact, I found it so funny that I thought this is one of your very best. But although my mind was laughing, my jaw bones were still locked tight in defiance. And then the jaw bones finally gave way when I reached the following line: I wasn’t actually sorry, but I thought that added a nice touch of faux sincerity. That line just broke the dam, and the rest is history. And yes, I do think this is one of your very best. I'd be incapable this time to pick my favorite parts because I'd have to quote the entire essay! This column deserves to be in every paper in the nation! Thanks a bunch! Claudie
Claudie
TX USA -

Pamela, I loved your column about needs and wants. It has been ages since my grandkids were even that age but I remember it well. My granddaughter was the queen of needing things and when mom said no grandma was a soft touch. Sometimes I even said no because her requests were too bizarre for me to spend money on. Thanks for keeping us smiling, Judy
Judy Watkins
USA -

Funny! It's hard to learn the difference between needs and wants... But you make it funny for the rest of us!
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

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