Oreos

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17.Sep.2002

I’ve been attempting to snag a full time job lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’d think that being a columnist would bring in the big bucks. I’d laugh till tears ran down my face about that, but it would necessitate Kleenex, and I can’t afford to buy any right now.

Our state has the second highest unemployment rate in the nation, the job market is pretty much choked with out of work Boeing employees and former Paccar guys, who are desperate enough to take any job put out in front of them. Forget tweaking your resume’. I’ve decided that you have to BE tweaked in order to stand out amongst the masses. I tossed my hat into the ring recently, for a position I realize I have no hope of getting. This is why I was bold in my resume’. Let me share a few highlights from my application.

Reasons You Should Hire Me

Now normally this stuff comes under the heading of Skills and/or Education. Almost everyone has a degree these days, so it’s important to state the reasons, apart from ordinary skills and GPA’s, which make you uniquely qualified to work for your employer of choice. Here are a few reasons stated in my application:

I'm cute and cuddly
I work cheaply
My first name is fairly common and can be found on bookmarks, cups and toothbrushes.
I don't drink coffee, so you would save money on me.
I am not HWP, and therefore would not spend inordinate amounts of time preening.
If I don't get a full time job soon, I'll be losing my house. (Ok, that qualification wasn't funny, but never underestimate power of the sympathy-hire)
I'm kind to animals and small children. Ok, mostly animals. And don't even get me started on teenagers.
I'm detail oriented. I can spend hours on one detail. Like, where did I put my glasses? I know they were here a second ago. OH, here they are! On my FACE! (I hate getting old)
I'm great at throwing parties. Um, that might not be a valid qualification, but I just felt I had to mention it, in case this company puts a high premium on partying.
I'm not afraid to talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Ok, I'm afraid of my teenager, but that's another story entirely.
I'm a famous columnist, with fans all over the country and soon to be found in print in Canada. Uh, yeah...I was stretching it a bit with the 'famous' part. And that 'fans all over the country' stuff was purely my imagination.
My hair seems to be getting blonder as I age. Uh, sure, it's natural. I can also leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I'm a member of Mensa. Ok, I'm knot.
I can eat an entire package of Oreos in one day; less than one day if my teenager is on the warpath. Now there's a useful talent, eh? I feel it makes me uniquely qualified because when the coffers of your corporation are nearing empty, I can de-stress in a non-alcoholic manner. You've never seen someone get a ticket while driving under the influence of Oreo's, have you?

Everyone knows that good references are a must when applying for work. I have excellent references. Here are just a few:

Cassie, my dog. You may have to call in that Pet Psychic from TV to question her about my qualifications. Cassie speaks to me when other people aren't present. Only I can hear her. No, I don't find that odd, do you? Yes, I wear foil hats on my head to block out the microwave rays that the government aims at me. No, I'm fine, thanks. Yes, I'm still taking my medication. Would you like an Oreo?

My husband. A great man, and is in no way biased in his opinions of me. However, if he starts talking about my disinclination towards dirty laundry and my preoccupation with Oreos, pay no attention.

Ashley Rose, my daughter. This little spitfire has known me for 3 and 1/2 years---long enough to form a valid opinion on my qualifications. She also feels I have great potential as a pillow, as she keeps trying to SLEEP ON ME! I’m not saying that if I’m hired, you can sleep on me, but feel free to walk all over me. My children do it daily.

Governor Gary Locke. He will pretend that he's never heard of me. Don't believe him. We're very tight and he's under strict instructions never to reveal how close we are. He will speak in code. The following is a list of code phrases and their meanings:

I hope this little tutorial has been helpful for those of you out there searching for a job. Remember, it’s not about the job; it’s all about standing out from the crowd. And it’s a little bit about Oreos.

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