Carb Bonding

Index

27.September.04

I threw caution, and my health it seems, to the wind and actually put potatoes into my mouth this afternoon. I had to hide in my pantry to do so, because I was so ashamed. Ashamed that I was sneaking carbohydrates and afraid my children would find me with starch on my breath, I cowered in the darkness. Hands shaking, heart beating fast as I consumed some of Idaho’s best.

While I was in the pantry I found a renegade bag of potato chips that had fallen down behind my box of high protein bars. Ripping into the bag with wild abandon, I tossed handfuls of the salty carbo goodness into my mouth, crunched with glee and swallowed them down. More! I needed more!

I was on a roll. Mmmm….rolls. Bread. Where was the bread? I needed bread! White bread! Opening the door to the pantry, I squinted in the bright light and that was my downfall. I never saw her coming.

“Mooooooom!”, said my teenage daughter, hands on hips and glaring at me.

“Muff a minute” I said, wiping potato chip crumbs off my shelf. Those of you that don’t know what shelf I’m speaking of must be anorexic females. And for the record, I hate you.

“Mom, you didn’t!”

“Didn’t what?” I replied back in my best I-have-no-idea-what-you’re-talking-about voice. I knew I was caught so I alleviated my guilt in the only way I knew how. Attack mode.

“What are you? The Carb Police? Geez!” As this came out of my mouth I suddenly felt a bit dizzy from a sudden switch in roles between my daughter and myself. I was about to say ‘who died and made you boss’ but restrained myself in time. That would be taking it too far.

“Mom, we talked about this and you promised!”

I had. Promised I mean. But I’ve found that there are promises…. and there are promises. Personally, I think that promises involving food are not binding, much like a politicians promises. Of course I won’t raise your taxes! Vote for me, I’m the low carb candidate! Of course I won’t ever let a carbohydrate pass my lips ever ever ever! I did not eat that carbohydrate.

I wasn’t always this way. Back in the day my friends and I would actually go out to All You Can Eat Pizza nights at our local pizza place. I say this with no shame. Everyone did it. We were foolish, young and we had low cholesterol. The world was our oyster, so we ate our burgers WITH the buns still on them. We recklessly dipped French Fries in tartar sauce and consumed sugar carbs by the bajillions in our soft drinks. Carbs schmarbs. Who cared?

Not us. We actually drove and consumed carbs at the same time. It was a simpler time, a guiltless era of doughnuts, crackers and white rice. We were invincible. Tacos came with flour tortilla wrappings around them and we didn’t care. We never read a label of ingredients to check the carbohydrate content. Pardon my language here, but heck, back then they didn’t put an ingredient list on food!

It’s a miracle that any of us lived past the age of seventeen.

“Mom! Are those potato peelings in the garbage?”

“Um….well…..”

“I can’t believe you did this. Didn’t we talk about this? Am I going to have to search your bedroom for Fritos again?”

“No. I already ate them.”

“Moooooooom! You promised!”

I had no defense and she knew it, so I flicked an errant potato chip off my shirt and stuck my tongue out at her. Carbohydrate binging was a bonding experience in my youth with my friends so I thought was worth a shot.

“Hey honey? How about some pizza!”

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Pamela, Ah, those famous carbs! Right up there on the front page news alongside Bush and Kerry! Who would have known? I’d say it’s OK that you “slipped” and ate carbs, Pamela, assuming that you were truly remorseful afterwards, that is. Again, I laughed out loud; again, you truly know how to make fun of anything. Some of my favorite parts: “Hands shaking, heart beating fast as I consumed some of Idaho’s best” “Ripping into the bag with wild abandon………” “…..so I alleviated my guilt in the only way I knew how. Attack mode” “…. We actually drove and consumed carbs at the same time. It was a simpler time” And for the Nobel Prize: “I had. Promised I mean. But I’ve found that there are promises…. and there are promises. Personally, I think that promises involving food are not binding, much like a politicians promises. Of course I won’t raise your taxes! Vote for me, I’m the low carb candidate! Of course I won’t ever let a carbohydrate pass my lips ever ever ever! I did not eat that carbohydrate”. Pamela, I’m really hoping that, after the election, whoever will turn out to be our president, you’ll be able to make us laugh about it. Now THAT might be a TOUGH assignment! Thank-you and take care, Claudie
Claudie
TX USA -

Let's hear it for carbs!!! And pizza. And funny writers. And laugh-out-loud essays. Thanks!
Lisa Shirah-Hiers
Austin, TX USA -

Too Funny Pamela. I followed the link from Mind's Eye, and glad I did. You have a wonderful way with words. I've never considered myself particularly funny, and so am always in awe of those who are. From an Idaho-born girl. . . long live the potato!
Marsha Steed
Roseville, CA USA -

While I found the part about the 'shelf' to be somewhat distracting, the rest of the column made me laugh and desire a Mexican Bagel.
Rick
WA USA -

Hey Pamela - I'm with you! and I know very well what shelf you are talking about! It's the one that not only catches potato chip residue, but that drip of tomato sauce from the spaghetti, the yogurt at breakfast, the salad dressing at lunch--even though you carefully leaned over your plate, and all on the fresh shirt you put on that morning. I have just had a potato-chip-binge myself. I can manage to stay away from many nono's in my diet, but periodically I gotta have that crunch. Do you suppose there is a Potato Chips Anonymous? Thanks for another chuckle. We need all we can get these days. Hope your personal life is chucklier that it was for a while. Lou
Mary Lou Lyman
USA -

Pamela, As usual, your carb story is cute. I have trouble with the new ideas about carbs. I like to think it is better to eat all the food groups but use some common sense about it, then there are no withdrawals to suffer. I bought some low carb yogurt last week (by accident) and it tasted awful. It was the consistency that was so bad. How in the world did we ever live to be senior citizens without knowing about carbs? Looking forward to your next story, Judy
Judy Watkins
USA -

Because we all know she'd LOVE to be seen in public with her mom. ;)
MeL
Kilgore, TX USA -

I'm pretty sure I don't trust people who don't do carbs. Bravo, Pam!
Con Cherry
Edinburg, TX USA -

MMMmmmmm.... Pizza... Sounds like a plan for the next time we are down! How 'bout some more carb bonding? :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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