For the Record...

Index

15.September.04

I want to make something perfectly clear. I voted FOR having children, before I voted against having them. And I’d do it again. I also want to say that I think they’re the wrong children, at the wrong time, in the wrong place. And I wouldn’t have done SOME things differently; I’d have done EVERYTHING differently.

There. I’m glad I got that off my chest.

While I’m here, there’s something else that you need to know. When I woke up this morning, I woke up with a brand new set of excuses as to why I’ve done what I’ve done as a parent. Did I say excuses? I meant reasons. Yes, that’s what I meant. Reasons. Unless I didn’t mean that at all, in which case, disregard what I’ve said.

Records that have recently surfaced falsely indicate that I attempted to get out of fulfilling my duty many years ago. I ask you, is that really relevant now? Is the fact that I told everyone within hearing range while I was in the throes of active labor that I didn’t want to do this any longer and that I was quitting? Trying to crawl off the operating table isn’t something I’m ashamed of doing. I’d do it again. Unless it’s an action that would place me in an unfavorable light, then I’d do something entirely different. Unless I wouldn’t.

Additionally, these records have obviously been fabricated to place me in a position where I would have to defend my actions. Which are, of course, defensible. I mean that. Right now I mean. I’m not sure what I’ll mean later, but for now it’s a rock solid admission that I’m sure that what I’m admitting to is what actually happened. For now.

And for the record, none of my injuries were self-inflicted. All of my wounds were inflicted by enemy combatants. My reports written at that time support this fantasy..er, fact. There was a great deal of blood and gore, which is the reason I was awarded several purple bruises. I earned each and every one of them and anyone who calls my heroic actions into question in this matter isn’t fit to run this family! Memories of this are seared, SEARED I SAY, into my mind. I know where I was and what I was doing during that time. Unless I am mistaken, which of course I’m not. Unless I am.

Lets speak of things that are more relevant to us today, such as the deficit. Yes, there is a deficit, for which I am not responsible. It’s the war, stupid.

Raising children, or as I prefer to call them, enemy combatants, is a very expensive proposition. It takes more than a village and all of it’s tax revenues to fully outfit this army. Which, by the way, I voted FOR outfitting, before I voted against outfitting them. It’s all right there in the record. Which of course has been forged.

I’d like to also state for the record, which will be altered at a later date if this stance proves unpopular, that I believe in a child’s right to choose. Every child has the God given right to choose between right and wrong. Right, being my way of doing things and wrong being any other way of doing things. It’s just that easy.

Unless it’s not, then it’s perfectly all right to do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t increase fiscal irresponsibility or irritate your voter base. I mean siblings. Unless I don’t mean that, in which case disregard everything I’ve previously supported. Or come out against. Or mentioned in passing. Or thought about in the past week.

In conclusion I’d like to say that I did not lie under oath. I fibbed. It’s seared into my memory and if my opponents don’t like it, I say bring it on. Unless they want to bring on more children, which of course I would ‘just say no’ to and then hold the course and not change horses in midstream.

I need a ketchup sandwich before I report for duty. Oh nevermind.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Pamela, Well, yes; I admit your essay DID remind me of all the political clarity, honesty and consistency that have been so pervasive in the news lately! I don’t know how much more abuse I can take from the donkey and the elephant between now and election day, but I’ve had enough with that zoo already! So THANKS; your hilarious essay is an extra-strength relief..... As usual (even better than usual?), you have managed the impossible task of turning a nightmare into roaring laughter. Please, promise us you won’t go away, because we might REALLY, REALLY NEED you after the election! (Oh Gosh, I hope not). In the meantime, take care of those purple bruises of yours! (or don’t; they might come in handy some day....) Claudie
Claudie
TX USA -

Pamela What do you do? Stay up all night thinking of these things? Does your mind run constantly at warp speed? You so effortlessly do what is nearly impossible for most people these days -- make me laugh at any and everything.... How do you do it? Or don't you do it? Or did you only do it a little bit once but maybe twice? If you ever decide to run for office you will certainly be the candidate everyone is talking about --- and just like today's "tickets" you will either be hated or loved but no in between! Me? I will definitely be sporting a button which reads PAMELA RULES !!! Enemy Combatants -- yep!! Those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are really our own teens, don't you think? Having weathered THREE FEMALES in that category, I would say that YOU have far more grace and MUCH more of a sense of humor about this revered office of motherhood than I ever did ~ Lee
Lee Ambrose
FL USA -

Pamela, You would make a good politician. You have all of the right answers to any and all questions. FYI - When I was being wheeled into the delivery room so many years ago I told the nurse several times that I changed my mind. She wouldn't listen and just told me, "It's a little late now Dearie." Looking forward to the next column. Judy
Judy Watkins
TX USA -

Hahahahahah You rule!
Lisa Shirah-Hiers
Austin, TX USA -

I really liked this one, Pam. Unless I didn't but thought I did. The record will indicate hatever the record indicates andI am just proud to be an American unless the terrorists win.
carson
mooresville, USA -

Pam, when I read columns of this nature, it makes me ever so thankful I got a poodle.
BD
CT USA -

May I be excused? My brain is full! That was really funny and perfectly captured Pam!
Jeri Lynn
shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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