Just Let Yourself Go...

Index

3.August.04

Now that the Democratic Convention is over, I can let you all in on a little secret. I am the reason that the balloons failed to deploy on schedule at the end of the big speech. I know you all think it was part of some right-wing conspiracy to make the Democratic convention end on a low note and be ridiculed, but no. It was me. I’m also the reason for Global Warming. While I’m confessing things, I might as well tell you that I cause split ends, acne, and I am the source of all spam email. I’m also lazy, I don’t know how to drive and I’m the reason that my teenage daughter has no friends. I am the reason for everything bad in the universe. Apparently the universe will end because of me as well. I just don’t think it’s going to end soon enough.

This is what comes of giving birth. Ok, it’s not the actual giving birth thing, it’s letting the child grow into puberty that brings these things upon the world. But I must say it’s a good thing, because without our teenagers to point these things out to us, how would we know that we are the cause of all things evil, including, but not limited to bad fashion, country love songs and acne. Did I mention acne? (As an aside here, I am NOT the cause of her acne; I didn’t have it as a teenager. Her acne comes directly from her father’s gene pool.)

Having a teenager gives you a remarkably fresh view on the world. Besides making you want to never come out from under your covers again, you find out things you’d prefer you didn’t know. For instance, did you know that hygiene after marriage is not necessary? No, really. It’s not. I have it on the best authority, or rather the only authority that currently resides in my home. My nearly sixteen-year-old daughter.

We spent last Saturday at the beach to escape the oppressive heat, for which I am also to blame. Who knew I had the power to control the weather? The answer to that is that my teenager knew, because she blamed me for the humidity and heat as we were driving to the beach. Oh, and I’m also to blame for the air conditioning in the van being broken. Later in the evening as we were sitting around a fire and talking about packing up to go home, my daughter complained that we had just gotten there and now we were leaving.

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

This caused all adults sitting around the campfire to drop their jaws in amazement before belly laughing. Luckily, because we already have mates, we had let ourselves go to the point where we have enormous bellies to be able to belly laugh with. It’s such a..a…freeing feeling. Add belly laughing to the pungent scent of several unwashed, but mated, adults and you have the makings of a party. However, it will obviously be a party where bad country music will be played, the fashion police will be needed and everyone will be talking about ‘boring, pointless and stooooopid things’. Things that don’t really matter, at least to the mind of a sixteen-year-old girl.

I can hardly wait till she has a teenager of her own. It will be nice to finally know something.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

no, no, no, no, no.....see, my dear friend and pal, Pamela....I am to blame for ALL things! This is common knowledge in these parts and areas of your parts!!! Great as always, thanks! loves and misses you...be up soon....i hope!
Rebecca Batty
Murray, UT USA -

Since my first teenager, I have always contended you lock them up at 13 (only sliping food to them) Let them out around 25 by then you might know something.. Good Luck
Trudy S
Seattle, WA USA -

Ah, Pamela....... those were the good old days!!! Indeed, your essay took me right back to the wonderful years when BOTH my kids were in junior high school. That's when I was the most desperately "stooooopid" and a terrible embarrassment. When they were in high school, thank goodness I was not quite as stupid, but I'm pretty sure I was pathetic in a number of ways. And now, well, now that they're 25 and 26, I'm a pretty darn smart cookie!! Thanks for these great new belly laughs! Your first paragraph alone deserves a Nobel Prize! Take care!Claudie PS: I'll tell Clark that we can save water by no longer showering, now that we've FOUND each other.
Claudie Aguilar
TX USA -

you just keep getting funnier and funnier. Soon you will explode and you'll get blamed for making a mess in your daughter's room.
carson
USA -

Pamela, I think this one is always going to be my all time favorite!
Con Cherry
Edinburg, TX USA -

Since you have the power, could you do something about the humidity here? A dewpoint around 50 would be nice.
'bjørn'
Mpls, MN USA -

Hey, look on the bright side....you have three more children. By the time they have all reached and passed the miracle teen years, you'll have learned how to survive that mysterious creature known as the "Teenager". You do give me some comfort for not having any children of my own. :)
Janean Grismore
Shoreline, wa USA -

ROFL, I see what I have to look forward to!
raynebow
OR USA -

Shh! Don't tell Jeffrey! :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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