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Keeping My Cool1.July.04I have ice cubes in my bra. I placed them there myself. This may, you say, come under the heading of TMI, Too Much Information, and you could be right. I say this not to titillate, although it may have that effect upon some of you, for which I apologize and ask that you please put your hand out for the obligatory whacking thereof. I only tell you this to let you know that I am willing to go to extraordinary lengths this summer in order to stay cool, even if it means bruising and frostbite in tender places. No risk is too great, no ice cube too large, and no danger too...titillating, to keep me cool this year.Last summer was more than I could handle while still maintaining a semblance of normalcy. That’s why I opted for the non-normalcy thing and went straight for the whacked out crazed I’m-too-hot-to-live persona that so endeared me to my children and husband.
Daughter: “Jerk, it’s daylight out, where do you think she is?” Son: “Still? Isn’t she ever going to come out of her room?” Daughter: “Nope. Says she won’t come out until the fall, or until they make it legal for her to duct tape her children to the walls.” Apparently the summer we had last year was simply a precursor to the whole global-warming thing, which appears to be picking up speed here in the Pacific Northwest. Spring this year has involved sun block slathering, an event heretofore unknown in these parts before August. Now that summer has kicked in with a vengeance I am not a happy person. You see, I am one of a vanishing breed. I was born and raised here in the Great Pacific Northwest. My favorite color of sky is gray. My grass is green and mossy and yes, the webbing between my toes is coming along nicely. I am overcome with joy when the weatherperson on television says we’re in for some really great weather. I expect his next sentence to be, “Rain, rain and more rain! Cloud cover from Everett to Olympia and not a speck of sunshine in the forecast for months!” I am sadly disappointed when he says that we’re in for blue skies, sunshine and rocketing temperatures. This is why ice cubes are my friends. My very close friends. Ice cubes are only for drinks you say? P’shaw! It’s time to think outside the ice cube tray people. I say we create a bra that is hollow and instead of filling it with foam padding, add water. Place bra in the freezer overnight and voila’! Instant cooling! This could also come in handy as a lifesaving device when one is lost in the desert, miles from any water. Attachments for straws in order to use the water for hydration purposes would be sold separately of course. Belts that are ice cooled would work along the same principle as well. I envision an entire clothing line involving ice in various fashionable accoutrements. Chunks of ice as dangly earrings, melting as you wear them, workout ankle weights filled with water and frozen to keep you cool as you do your cardio. The possibilities are endless. Until I can get this clothing line up and running, feel free to try the ice cube down the bra remedy. Just don’t blame me if you get frostbite. |
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Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive
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