Warning Labels
15.Sep.2002
There are a plethora of
items that come with warning labels these days. From music cd’s and
movies, to curling irons and rectal thermometers; all come with consumer
warnings or parental advisories. A caution label, if you will. These enable
the person, who is about to become the owner of something they’ve
never owned before, a bit of a heads up about what they’re getting
into. I’ve discovered a few gaps in this consumer protection arena
that I’d like to share with you. Pay attention, this could save your
life. If you’ve already got kids, never mind; it’s already too
late for you.
The first item on my list is A Spouse. Spouses do not come with a warning
label attached. At least none that I ever saw, and I think I would have
seen one by now. I’ve been the proud owner of A Spouse for over fifteen
years. You may receive verbal warnings from former owners of your Spouse,
but these are considered anecdotal and though highly entertaining to listen
to, may not be factual in nature.
My particular Spouse is ok, as spouses go. In a comparison study of Spouses
I conducted a few years back, my particular Spouse ranked high in several
key areas;
- Unconditional love. This means that despite fluctuations in my weight
due to four pregnancies, Spouse's love remained at a constant level
and did not react negatively to upward swings in the poundage department.
- Willingness to purchase feminine protection items. Although this was
a skill that took years to perfect, it was well worth the trouble and
time it took to train said Spouse. Blushing while paying for such items
is an unfortunate side effect that apparently cannot be overcome. I’ve
learned not to let his blushing get in the way of my needs.
- Remembering to leave the toilet seat down. At first I thought my Spouse
was defective because he never left the toilet seat up. Was he a real
man? I was somewhat disappointed that he’d been trained in this
area earlier, but have since accepted that occasionally a Spouse’s
Mother will have completed some areas of training for you. Remember to
thank her, where appropriate.
Although I am satisfied with my Spousal unit, I do wish there had been
a warning label somewhere on him before I signed the contract to love,
honor, etc. Here are a few items that should be placed upon all prospective
spouses.
- CAUTION! Coupling with this unit may produce tiny replicas of said
unit that will be cuddly till hormonally induced rage and/or loud rap
music triggers their self-mutilation gene in the form of belly-button
piercings or tattoos of serpents. Coupling will also result in stretch
marks, gray hair, water-weight gain, odd food cravings and a new wardrobe
that consists entirely of elastic banded pants. Bet you didn’t realize
that coupling could have disastrous fashion consequences.
- Warning! Use of this Spouse in a manner inconsistent with the manufacturers
instructions (another item I never received, thank you.) will invalidate
the warranty on the Spousal Unit. In layman’s terms, this means
you shouldn’t expect your Spouse to be able to multi-task, especially
with their replicas. You can come home to a clean house and hungry replicas,
or you can home to well fed replicas and a house that rivals any hit by
a grade five tornado. Do not expect both a clean house and burping replicas.
Ok-they may be burping but will not be fed. The burping is a by-product
of the fact that half of their genetic make up comes from the Spousal
Unit.
- Be advised that this unit’s memory function is not genetically
equipped to recall important dates. The following dates are not accessible
to the Spousal unit’s long-term memory features; anniversary of
first date, first kiss, first anything. The Spousal unit will, however,
be able to recall who pitched what inning in a year he wasn’t alive
to have experienced. Screaming at this unit, throwing bric-a-brac, or
using the Silent Treatment, though warranted, will have no appreciable
effect upon your Spouse’s memory function. It’s a factory
defect.
I’m certain that there are more warnings that should be placed
upon the Spousal unit, but I’m too tired to remember what they are.
I’ve been feeding Spousal Replicas all day and I’m tired.
Suffice it to say since there were no warning labels attached to my Spouse
when I picked him out of the catalog at work, I was a bit unprepared for
ownership. I can’t complain though. I know other women who have
picked their Spouse from the work catalog and have ended up with some
seriously defective units. My Spouse is practically defect-free. That’s
why I renewed his contract for another year last August 1st.
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