Camp Duct Tape

Index

7.June.04

Im going to tackle a difficult subject today. One that most professional journalists are loathe to take on. Not out of fear, mind you, but out of ignorance. Ok, there might be just a touch of fear in there as well. Fear can be a healthy emotion, especially if used properly for changes in the system. And this is one system that cries out for change, for direction, for money. This sounds like your typical teenager, right? Ha! Wrong.

I think you all know where I’m going with this: the criminal lack of Federal funding for Duct Tape Summer Camp. It’s a little known fact that George Tenet’s departure from the CIA had nothing at all to do with small snafus in the war on terror and everything to do with a cover up involving duct tape and the powerful Summer Day Camp Lobby.

Oh sure Summer Camp isn’t a new concept. Every parent since Adam and Eve have looked for a way out of spending the heat of the summer months trapped with their offspring.

Cain:

Eve:

Cain:

Eve:

And thus was born the parental joy-giver that is Summer Camp. There are sport camps, academic camps, art camps, self-improvement camps and even special interest camps that can teach your impressionable offspring the joys of joining the circus. But until now, Duct Tape Camp has never been offered in those little pamphlets that parents swoon over right before school is let out.

Duct tape has only been around since WWII, so why the rush? Because I’m the Mom and I said so, that’s why. That, and untold hordes of children are about to be let loose for the summer any day now. We need progress on this issue people, and we need it quickly.

Close personal friend Ms. Cynthia McGuinness, proud mother of two house apes, is already threatening her children with Duct Tape Camp if they begin to misbehave. Apparently she walks around with a roll of duct tape on her wrist as a shiny silver bangle of doom, inspiring good behavior and excellent table manners in her progeny. If this isn’t something our tax dollars can get behind, then send me to my room. Seriously, send me to my room.

How often have you spent time with an over-talkative child and thought, ‘I wish I could duct tape his mouth shut, my kingdom for some duct tape!’ Oh sure, you’d never actually do it, but the thought is there and it brings a smile of joy to your face to contemplate the silence such an action would bestow upon you. Until of course, the child got the duct tape off, which is when you’d realize that you forgot to duct tape his/her hands.

Ha ha! I’m only kidding. No, really. This isn’t something I’m advocating. You should never, under any circumstances duct tape your child’s hands or mouth. Duct taping them to the walls in order to keep your house clean is also not something you should attempt, as it doesn’t work. Weight to adhesive ratios being what they are, the child wouldn’t stick for long. This is especially true for teenagers. Not that I would know anything about that sort of activity.

So what we find here is simply that the threat of Duct Tape Camp is what you need. This is where we need some money from the Federal Government. Every Summer Camp pamphlet should be required by law to put Duct Tape Camp on its list of offered camps. This way parents have the option, if they so desire, to hold Duct Tape Camp over their children’s heads in order to increase their cooperation during the heat of the summer.

Mother:

Son:

Mother:

Son:

Write your congressperson people. With your help, we can all make a difference.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

Maybe there's a boot camp camp. Supposedly the threat of military school works with some wayward teens. Or so it does on the Sopranos. Then again, duct tape is cheaper.
Lisa
Austin, TX USA -

Pam, to heck with the tape. Crazy Glue up there until they reach maturity. You can always tell houseguests they are prints of famous artists from the Louvre
agent 66
USA -

Hey, Pam. As far as duct taping them to the walls, you're right, too much weight. But velcro does hold them up there. Just tryin' to help.
Graz
Detroit, MI USA -

Bravo, Pam! But isn't Duct Tape Camp in the parenting handbook? Oh... wait. Nevermind. :)
Con
Edinburg, TX USA -

There's nothing you can't fix with a little duct tape. :)
MeL
Kilgore, TX USA -

Amen! You always make me laugh, Pam! Your kids (as wonderful as they are) need the threat of Duct Tape Camp!
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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