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Selling Schizophrenia

18.March.2004

According to the stress test I took online, my head is about to leave my neck at mach speed due to the pressure I'm under right now. It's due to pop right off my neck sometime within the next week.

We had our house inspected yesterday by a licensed inspector of houses for people who want to purchase a house without defects. I tried to get my house to cram for the big exam, but would it? Nooooooooo, of course not. You know what happens when you don't study for a big test. You fail. Unless you can manipulate the answers via some online hacking, which I am unable to do because this Inspector Person used an archaic method of communication, called a pencil. Our house didn't pass the test. Apparently it needs to be rebuilt from the foundation on up.

No, not really. It's actually in pretty good shape for a home built in 1968. It's actually doing better than I am, and I wasn't built in 1968. And no, I'm not going to tell you when I was built, but lets just say that if I were a home, I might qualify to be classified as a historical monument. Or was that 'hysterical'?

As you may have figured out, we're selling our home. This rates right next to death on the stress-o-meter. At times in the past month, I have felt that death might be a preferable option to what has been going on.

Anyone who has ever sold a house while they lived in the house knows what fun this can be. You willingly let complete strangers into your most personal space and watch as they wince at what you considered to be a great decorating idea.
    Potential Buyer #1 (whispering to Realtor): "Is that a bed in the bathroom?"
    Realtor: "Why yes, isn't that a hoot?"
    Potential Buyer #1: "I don't get it. Why would they need a bed in the bathroom?"
    Realtor: "Well, you know some people"
I believe this answer was followed by a nudge-nudge-wink-wink by the realtor.

Potential Buyer #1 never again met my eyes during the remainder of the house tour and scurried back to his car as quickly as possible.
    Potential Buyer #2: "This was built in 1968, right? Are those the original countertops and flooring in the kitchen?"
    Realtor: "Yes, both are original to the home and we're not even charging you extra for the historic value imbued in these items.
Finally, after an entire grueling and stressful week on the market, a couple arrived that was able to look past the bed in the pink bathroom, the pink carpeting in the living room and any other pink hued item in the house. How dare they!

This is MY house!

And therein lies the biggest hurdle of all. Me. I want to move. I don't want to move. I hate my house. I love my house. I need more room. I have enough room! I'm getting whiplash just thinking about things lately. Apparently I have a latent case of schizophrenia where selling my house is concerned.
    Potential Buyer #3: "Madam, please let go of my leg. I only wanted to look at the laundry room for a minute.
    Me: "Get out of my house! Out! Out I say!

    Potential Buyer #4: "Isn't there a For Sale sign out in front? I was sure I saw a..
    Me: "You're delusional! Get out! That's my shower curtain!
There are others out there like me, people who have become attached to their dwellings and are afraid to let them go. Despite the fact that our new home will be twice the size of our current address, I'm still not sure I want to make this move.

Perhaps if I left a way for me to have visitation rights to my old house I'd feel better about selling it to someone else.
    Me: " Knock knock! Anyone home?"
    Home Buyer: "Oh, hey honey. Look who's back!
    Me: "I know, I'm sorry about dropping by so late last night."
    Home Buyer: "It was this morning. Three a.m. to be exact."
    Me: "Well, yeah, ok. But I was sure I'd left my hamster here. Are you sure you haven't heard him scurrying around in the walls?"
I'm not certain that the stress test I took online covers the extent of the pressure I'm putting myself through. I'd create another test with more in depth questions more suited to my type of Selling Schizophrenia, but I don't have the time right now. I have to kick some Potential Buyers out of my house before they start making fun of that bed in my pink bathroom.
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San Diego, Ca USA -
Pamela, Thank you for yet another hilarious article; I got several great hearty laughs out of it!
I've never gone through the trauma that you describe. When we bought our second home, we kept the old one as a rental; and when we sold our new home, my husband did it alone because I had already moved out and had come to Texas. It seems that I missed out on some major fun!

It was tough to pick my favorite parts of your essay, but here they are: "Our house didn't pass the test. Apparently it needs to be rebuilt from the foundation on up."
"if I were a home, I might qualify to be classified as a historical monument"
"selling our home: This rates right next to death on the stress-o-meter"
"Potential Buyer #2: "This was built in 1968, right? Are those the original countertops and flooring in the kitchen?" Realtor: "Yes, both are original to the home and we're not even charging you extra for the historic value imbued in these items."
"Potential Buyer #3: "Madam, please let go of my leg. I only wanted to look at the laundry room for a minute." Me: "Get out of my house! Out! Out I say!"
And my very favorite is: "And therein lies the biggest hurdle of all. Me. I want to move. I don't want to move. I hate my house. I love my house. I need more room. I have enough room!"

I do wish you a smooth transition from house to house and, certainly, it's perfectly normal and healthy to have mixed feelings about the move (the new house is better, but the old feels so familiar!). Just one bit of advice, though..... Save your reputation as a respectable citizen of the United States of America, and don't put a bed in the next bathroom!
Claudie
USA -
I often curse the small rooms in our home, and the very bedraggled pink carpet that I can't replace until we save enough. But I am glad I'm NOT moving out. Yes, I look at the large new homes being built around the corner and wonder what it would be like to move into a place that DOESN"T need new flooring, new paint, new siding or have the roof, ac, ceiling fans, water heater and appliances replaced (like we did to this place the first year we moved in.) No, I'm afraid they'll have to carry me out. But if I hear of anyone who IS moving, I will send them to your column. I love the idea of visitation rights for your old home. LOL It IS hard not to get attached. Cudos to you for once again making something stressful funny. And best of luck on the sale and the move! -Lisa
Lisa Shirah-Hiers
Austin, TX USA -
Now I know why I only see your husband recently. Is it true that you may move next door to me until school is out? That is if you come through this parting thing.. I tried that once and came back. Remember? Trudy
Trudy
Seattle, WA USA -
Hey Pam! We can't wait to see Ashley in class! Just think of all the fresh air you'll have in Puyallup! Congrats....Anne
anne lyons
USA -
Love your work as usual! Hope all goes well with the sell and the move. I sure know I'M not looking forward to moving again... I have appliances this time!!! :-)
Jeri Lynn Cornish
Shoreline, WA USA -

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