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Bennifer Is No More!29.January.2004I turned on my computer, clicked on the Internet and my home page popped up with the words I’d been dreading for months. Bennifer Is No More: Jen and Ben Call It Quits.Sitting stock still, my mind reeling with panic, I felt my right hand grasping the mouse and sliding it towards the link that promised THE WHOLE STORY. No, I thought. Anything but the WHOLE STORY. Must…resist…clicking…must…not…click…must…fight…urge. GAAAAAA! CLICK! There it was, in all it’s Gollywood detail. I tried to resist, really I did, but it’s akin to a ghastly roadside accident that you can see coming for miles and miles. You know it’s there, it’s just going to take time to get to the actual scene of the breakup, er, accident. You patiently wait it out until finally, you manage to arrive at the scene to gawk at the twisted metal (lives) and charred remains of a Rodeo Drive Romance gone awry. Why are we compelled to know every minute detail about the love lives, not to mention the fashion faux pas, of the glitterati? What drives us to buy the magazines and click on the links that give us THE WHOLE STORY? It’s simple really: comic relief. Ok, it’s not comic relief exactly; it’s more along the lines of wanting to know that we’re not the only ones that make dumb relationship choices or go half naked to glamorous award shows to have our pictures snapped by dozens of photographers, only to see our semi-nude image splashed across the pages of magazines and newspapers with the headlines ‘WHAT WAS SHE THINKING’ dancing over our heads. Or that could just be me and my reoccurring nightmare. So, all right, you don’t go to award shows wearing pink tutus or sheer clothing that needs double-sided tape to stay on your body. But I bet you’ve made some dumb relationship choices. There, see? You’re practically a star already! The only problem is that the entire free press isn’t camped out in your backyard with zoom lenses trained on your every move. They also aren’t interviewing anyone that you have known for less than a minute to get the gritty little details that the world is dying to know. Like say, what you had for breakfast this morning and did your clothing require double-sided tape to stay on your body?
Paparazzi: “Was she immodestly attired?” Bagel Shoppe Clerk: “Wha?” Paparazzi: “The tape! Was the tape holding up?” Bagel Shoppe Clerk: “Ah thank it wus uh garlic.” Paparazzi: “Garlic tape? Whoa! I smell a Pulitzer!” Upon booting up my computer this morning, I was once again tempted to find out just why Jennifer broke off her engagement to Ben. Must…resist…can’t…Oh the heck with it. Click. Sources said the wedding was called off due to excessive media attention, but no indication was given as to why the entire relationship was kicked to the curb. Which begs the question: Does Jen get to keep the 6.1-carat pink diamond Harry Winston engagement ring that Ben gave her? It was arguably larger than most of her clothing, so perhaps it just wasn’t her, you know? At least Jen didn’t do something, oh say, oops like Britney did in Las Vegas. Jen thought this one through and actually got a nice big diamond out of the drama. I’d like to say that I’m surprised at the news of Britney’s nuptials in Las Vegas, but that would imply that bizarre behavior on the part of the glitterati is unusual. Unfortunately, it’s the norm for them. Yawn. Witnesses say that she appeared a bit ‘dazed’ as she walked down the aisle in her designer blue jeans and baseball cap. Well who wouldn’t be? Setting the fashion bar for a Las Vegas wedding that high must have given her pause. Now everyone will want to copy her haute couture. What I am surprised at is that she let the marriage last as long as it did. Fifty-five hours at last account, before the annulment. Voila’! This means that it never actually happened. It’s a good thing we have all the news footage interviews about this or we could all collectively believe it was just a dream. Or a nightmare. At least there was no double sided tape involved. |
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