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Code Mauve2.January.2004It's the start of a new year and I've decided to raise my Personal Threat level from Puce to Mauve.Yes, I understand that this might be viewed as a precipitous act on my part, but I do have compelling evidence to support this course of action. Enemy combatants, otherwise known as my children, have increased their terrorist activities greatly in the past week. My Intelligence Community has received a substantial increase in the volume of threat related intelligence reports. These credible sources suggested the possibility of attacks against my house around the holiday season and beyond. The intelligence I'd gathered in the field (i.e., rooms of our home) did not indicate that a bio-weapons attack was imminent. The one pre-emptive strike I took was to get the youngest Enemy Combatant a flu shot. This was the Combatant most likely to initiate an all out attack on my position. It appeared to have worked according to plan, however the other three Enemy Combatants conspired to launch an ambush. Three out of four of my Enemy Combatants have used projectile emissions from their gastrointestinal tracts to bring me to my knees; literally. Their devious plot has also included sporadic bursts of bio-hazardous liquids from their lower intestinal areas, timed to catch me off guard and produce mountains of laundry to keep me occupied and off balance. As with all ambushes, this attack came in the wee hours of the morning and gave all indications of a well prepared assault. All Enemy Combatants instinctively understand that this is when my defenses are lowest and my reaction times slowest. This enables them to maximize the damage inflicted. The damage was considerable. It started with the Third Enemy Combatant, code name Barf-a-rama, assaulting my position in my bedroom. Her attack caused no loss of life, however, the resultant collateral damage included sheets, blankets, and comforter. There was also great loss of sleep, rendering me ill prepared for the next assault. When dealing with aggressive attacks such as these, it's been historically appropriate to hunker down, hold your position, prepare your emergency stores, and get ready for the next assault. I did just that. After cleaning up the offending gastrointestinal emissions and giving Barf-a-rama a large bowl for further outpourings, I fortified my position by placing large bath towels at intervals around this Enemy Combatant. Over the next twelve hours, I was inundated with variations on this type of assault, including, but not limited to uncontrollable emissions from her bowels. As I subscribe to the adage 'hold your friends close, but your enemies even closer', I took Enemy Combatant Barf-a-rama into my bed for the evening. This proved to be a bad move, tactically. Said Combatant had destroyed several pairs of underwear in the previous hours before bed, and had therefore come to the conclusion that in order to preserve this undergarment from further destruction, none should be worn. My Intelligence Community did not detect this elevated threat beforehand, rendering me a casualty in the wee hours of the morning. The following days are a blur of buckets, assaults, laundry and ruined carpeting. There were advances and retreats. Remedies were delivered and were immediately tossed back over the escarpments. Enemy Combatants One and Two joined in the fray. Eventually I was forced to pass the silver bed pan to my compatriot in arms to carry on for me. Yes, I became a casualty of war. I succumbed to the Enemy Combatant's attacks, despite my best efforts at prevention. Raising my threat level to Mauve didn't appear to have helped. It never does when you are outnumbered and the Enemy Combatants are willing to take you down, no matter the costs to them personally. I never stood a chance. Next year we're ALL getting flu shots. |
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