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Dave Barry for President13.Nov.2003According to an official poll that I took yesterday at the bus stop, 88% of the bus stop population has no idea what a presidential primary is exactly. This rivals my earlier bus stop poll regarding the use of a tax on latte's to pay for... something. I forget what the 'something du jour' was, but that's not the point. The point is that people at my bus stop are tired of being polled, and with good reason. No one ever pays them for their opinions. Or was it that no one ever pays attention to their opinions? Well, it was one of the two.Polling got it's beginnings in early Mesopotamia when one Mesopotamian asked another Mesopotamian why they were called Mesopotamians. This resulting pugilistic encounter is the first known recorded event of Potamia being made a mess of. Hence the name. They were just slightly ahead of their time. I don't normally use my column for political purposes, but this week I'm making an exception because of my strong feelings on this matter. Our nation is in trouble and there is only one way to save her from certain ruin. His name is Dave Barry. I invite you to become part of a grass roots online community effort. It's the Dave Barry For President of The United States Message Boards, or as we refer to it, DBFPOTUS. Go to http://davebarry.com/ and click on message board to see what the buzz is all about. I am personally going to vote for Dave Barry for President of the United States of America. I want to ask that you all join me in this effort to elect him for the betterment of our nation and the advancement of Humor Columnists as a whole. Dave has a proven track record in journalism, resulting in his glorious award of a Pulitzer Prize sometime in the 80's. We don't remember what that award winning piece of commentary was all about, but we are sure that it was spectacular. Take our word for it, because it won, didn't it? Dave Barry has come out on several key issues that reflect his careful and considerate monitoring of what the American people want. He's running on a platform that consists of hunting down whoever invented low flow toilets and bringing them to justice. Justice, in this case is something along the lines of, well, we can't go into that now. But rest assured that low flow toilets will be declared unconstitutional should Dave Barry win the election. Dave is also the only candidate running that has published a book with the word 'Boogers' in the title. Yes, this is a daring and exciting strategy for someone who is relatively unknown in the political arena and I'd like to take credit for it, but I had nothing to do with it. He's also the only candidate for the highest office in the land that has a sewage plant named after him, in North Dakota no less. This is yet another lofty accolade that speaks volumes about his work and his potential for spewing high nitrate material around our nation's capital. Dave Barry is also not afraid of controversy. Although he has none of the groping allegations against him, as does Governor-elect Schwartzenager, word has it that he recently got into a book signing war with a fellow author in Austin, Texas. DBFPOTUS Board member Kay, last name withheld, alleges that Dave and another author played Dueling Book Signers in the pages of her newly purchased book. Kay now owns the only known Dave Barry book signed by the author with a reference to a certain part of the male anatomy that sort of rhymes with genius. Those of us working towards a better America don't care one whit about the alleged peccadilloes of our favorite author/cum candidate for presidential office. We will stand firmly behind him so that we might be able to grab his book signing hand in case he loses control like this again. To be fair, it appears he may have been under the influence of post-concert-mania, having just completed a set playing lead guitar for The Rock Bottom Remainders. Did we mention that he is also the lead guitarist for a rock band? No sissy saxophone-playing president for us, no siree. Our candidate rocks in more ways than one. In conclusion, a vote for Dave Barry is a vote for a return to kinder, gentler nation, where not just actors are elected to higher office, but humor columnists are lifted high on the wave of the popular vote, and low flow toilets will go the way of 8 track tapes and Clinton's credibility. If we're lucky he'll even outlaw polling. |
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