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Master Caffeine14.Sep.2003Consumer Reports just came out with an article on caffeine and where it might be lurking in your food. You all know about the caffeine in coffee, it’s the reason you all drink it. I don’t drink coffee, but I did find out the hard way that caffeine can get you if you’re not paying attention.I wasn’t paying attention. Beware of teenagers bearing gifts. The other night a boy named Kevin came over to visit my daughter Stephanie. He’s a nice enough kid, looks me in the eye when he talks to me, doesn’t understand the whole you-cannot-go-in-her-bedroom rule, but abides by it nonetheless. He’d just been to the store and tossed me a can of pop. He said he’d discovered a new drink and it was delish! I popped the top and tasted. He was right. It was very good. I’m not much of a pop drinker, unless it’s root beer when I’m pounding down some pizza, but this drink by SoBe was really tasty. It was called AMP and said it was an energy drink. That should have been my first clue. I drank it rather late in the evening while writing a column at the computer. Type, sip, type, sip, repeat. When I finally went to bed around 1a.m. I tossed and turned but managed to get to sleep. For about 45 minutes. For the rest of the night, I cleaned my house. I unloaded the dishwasher, re-loaded it with the dirty dishes remaining in the sink. I scrubbed the counters, wiped down the cupboards. Then I took all the furniture out of the dining area and scrubbed the kitchen floor twice, then waxed it. While I waited for the floor to dry between cleanings I sat and wrote out lesson plans for the Spanish classes I’d decided I needed to teach while I was loading the dishwasher. I wrote out a twelve-week course of lessons, made flyers to advertise the classes and created the documents for class information. There is truth in advertising. I had enough AMPs rocking through my body to light up the Las Vegas strip. I tackled the microwave and the refrigerator, areas I was heretofore unwilling to confront out of fear for what I’d find lurking inside both appliances. I was trying to be quiet, really I was. I did have the boom box on while I washed and waxed the kitchen and dining room floor, but I had it on very low; or so I thought. Around five a.m. my husband opened the bedroom door, and squinting mightily in the light asked me what the heck I was doing. I continued to swipe the mop and innocently answered that I was cleaning the floor, as though this were a common occurrence. We both knew it wasn’t even a common occurrence during daylight hours, so I wasn’t fooling anyone. I told him I was sorry that I’d awakened him, but I was sincerely trying to be quiet.
“I have?” “Mmm hmm.”
He took my car keys away from me. Ha! Car keys were for people who needed sleep and didn’t have 77 mg of caffeine rushing through their systems from their new energy drink! I could walk to the store, really I could. Walk? Who walked to the store? I could run to the store! While I was running I could finish War and Peace during the time it took me to get to the store and back. About that time I found that my ampage was starting to lower. The lower it got, the closer I got to my bed, until finally I was sucked into a black hole from which I didn’t return until that afternoon. In fact I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. I’m sure if my ampage had lasted a few more hours I would have been able to solve the mystery of quantum physics, the machinations of the teenage brain and why that noise in my car always stops when the mechanic takes it for a test drive. I just need one more can of AMP. Ok maybe two. Where are my car keys? |
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