Defying Doom with Duct Tape

Index

16.Mar.2003

I could have been rich. Why aren’t I more intuitive to what consumers are going to be buying? If I were, I'd certainly have bought stock in Microsoft twenty years ago, dumped my Enron and bought up Duct tape futures. Uh, well, stock in the companies that make duct tape at the very least, because by all accounts, it’s going to save our nation. No, really, trust me-or rather-trust our government.

Yeah, I know, that’s asking a lot. But you have to understand that the U.S. government is telling us to buy duct tape to stave off the affects of a terrorist attack. Sounds reasonable to me. Of course, I’d feel a whole lot better if I saw a semi-truck load full of the shiny silver stuff being unloaded at the White House or, oh, say, Dick Cheney’s Vice Presidential Residence. Once I see that place plastic sheeted and adorned with the duct tape I’ll feel a lot more comfortable doing it myself. If it’s good enough for the top brass, then it’s good enough for me. It is good enough for them, isn’t it?

I mean, it’s not like they’re building cement bunkers with their own power supply and air under their houses, are they? Oh, they are? Hmm. Well, I wonder if they’re sealing themselves inside their bunkers with duct tape? Yeah, that’s probably it. I’m sure there must have been some secret government study regarding duct tape’s ability to ward off biological, chemical and radiological fallout. It’s all classified and secret so the enemy doesn’t benefit from it.

Once again we see the government putting the safety of John Q. Public first and foremost. It’s not as if they left this to the last minute you know. No, that was a carefully crafted plan to create an aura of indestructibility about us to our enemies. Planning for your attack? Pshaw! What attack? You can’t hurt us! Look, we have duct tape! And you can see we’re not afraid because we’re saying ‘pshaw’. We only use this word when we are feeling fearless and full of duct tape.

And we’re not afraid to use it. By all accounts, stores have an excessive supply of it because they saw this coming. They saw this coming? How were they alerted to the super powers of the stuff? Perhaps the government sent a stealthy for-your-eyes-only memo to all hardware stores. “Psst! Get all the duct tape you can store! Trust us!” The government uses ‘psst!’ more than you probably realize.

Some civil preparedness specialists say that duct tape and plastic sheeting won’t really help in case of a terrorist attack. They caution that getting a three day supply of water, food and other necessities is more important than sealing your house with duct tape. That’s all well and good, but how about sealing your food in duct tape, eh? Did they think of that? What about sealing our reservoirs in plastic sheeting and duct tape, huh? How come they’re not talking about that? Think big people.

Our country always does things in a big way. We’re the nation with the biggest concrete buffalo ever. It stands twenty-six feet tall in Jamestown, North Dakota weighing in at sixty tons. Collinsville Illinois boasts the largest Catsup Bottle in the world and they just gave it a fiftieth birthday party. We’re a nation that throws parties for Catsup Bottles! This Catsup bottle has it’s very own fan club. That in and of itself ought to foster fear in our enemy’s hearts. If we have time in our busy lives to throw a party for a bottle, just think what we could if we really put our minds to this duct tape endeavor.

Duct tape people, duct tape. Think big. Imagine your Block Watch captain sealing your little corner of heaven in duct tape and plastic sheeting. Pshaw, you say? Well stop saying that, it’s annoying. What about your apartment manager sealing your entire complex in plastic and duct tape? One big sheet of plastic, miles of the silvery-savior and voila’, instant safety from all things terrorist.

No one has even mentioned the decorating possibilities of duct tape. If we’re going to use it to adorn our homes for safety, then you know Martha Stewart will figure out how to create a silver filigree frig cozy; safety and beauty combined in one big package. No, don’t say pshaw. I’m sorry I ever brought that word up.

All in all, I still wish I’d known how important this sticky silver stuff was going to be for our nation. I wonder how I can get in on the secret ‘psst’ memos from our government to selected citizens so I can be prepared. Yeah, I know, Pshaw.

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