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Mega Average

26.Nov.2002

I’ve had it. Enough. I can take no more. If I hear one more mega-star mention how they’re just an average Joe or Joe-ette I am going to pull what’s left of my hair out of my head.

Did you know that Demi Moore was recently profiled in a magazine because she looks so fab at forty? And it only cost her $400,000 to get her new look! I could look as good as Demi if I had $400,000 to throw at my sags, bags and, oh, lets not forget bills. Having bills and not having enough money to pay for said bills contributes more to most American’s need for Botox than anything thing else.

This is the secret to why people in Hollywood look so good; they don’t have to worry about looking in couch cushions to find milk money for their kid’s lunches. Nope. That and the fact that what money they might find in their couches probably equals what the real average American brings home in a month’s salary—if, of course, the real average American hasn’t been laid off, downsized or booted into early retirement.

I recently read in People Magazine that Bon Jovi is also just a typical Dad who makes breakfast, drives carpool and coaches. Mm-hm. Of course he does live in a 19,000 square foot home decorated entirely in 17th century French, complete with a 200-year-old couch. I wonder if Jon Bon Jovi finds much Lire’ in his antique couch? Did I mention that this average Joe has a house staff of ten? I suppose if he’s not feeling so average some morning it’s good to have backup to help scramble those morning eggs.

Pierce Brosnan, aka Bond, James Bond, has also recently declared himself to be just a typical Dad and family man. This was on the David Letterman show, right before he was jetting off to Europe. Yeah, I often send my typical hubby off to England with paparazzi in tow; although he does have difficulty getting his briefcase/jet pack through airport security.

I am moved by all those average Americans in Hollywood declaring that they have met their soul mates, moving in with each other, getting married, tattooing various body parts with the name of the love of their life, wearing vials of each other’s blood around their necks and then suddenly saying ‘oops!, I didn’t realize that being married for two months was going to be so confining! I was sure I knew all about this person in the week we knew each other before our Vegas nuptials!”.

I’m sorry, but nothing about these people is average or typical. Here is a comparison of average American to Mega-stars average.
 
Mega Star’s Life Experiences
  Average American’s Experiences
  • Pays enormous amounts of money for Botox injections to numb face so it won’t wrinkle when you smile or frown.
    		•  
  • Gets hit in face with two-year-old’s shoe while dressing him, thereby rendering face numb; same effect, less money.
  • Spends days luxuriating at expensive spas being exfoliated and taking mud baths.
    		•  
  • Only gets a mud bath if their child throws it at them and they forget to duck: again, less expense.
    		•  
  • Is pictured in a fashion magazine wearing spike-heeled shoes during last month of pregnancy. Friends close to the star maintain that she’s just your average excited mom-to-be. Ten minutes after delivery the paparazzi are extolling her rock hard abs.
    		•  
  • Lost sight of ankles in third trimester and doesn’t wear shoes anymore. Three years after delivery is still trying to lose the baby fat. Refuses to put on a swimsuit in public. Children use her tummy as a pillow.
    		•  
  • Decorates 19,000 square foot mansion in 17th century French.
    		•  
  • Uses Grandma’s couch. Search for money in cushions comes up empty.
    		•  
  • Pays management of toy store to close to the public so he can take his child shopping. Better yet, has the Nanny take child shopping.
    		•   
  • Never takes child to toy store because she will scream to buy something you can’t afford. All money went to the electric bill.
    		•   
  • Travels on vacation with an entourage, including a British Nanny, so baths and stories at bedtime won’t interrupt their nightlife. Star is puzzled as to why baby is developing a British accent.
    		•   
  • Vacation? What’s a vacation? Traveling + Kids does NOT = a vacation. Unless of course you can afford the entourage and Nanny. So, like I said; what’s a vacation?
    		•   
     
    I realize there’s no point in getting upset because my life isn’t air brushed, I don’t have to warn people not to look directly at my teeth for fear of rendering them blind, or that my idea of a night out is going grocery shopping with my husband while our thirteen year-old watches the babies.

    I just wish sometimes that I could be average in a mega-star-like way.
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