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Lines of Communication

16.May.2007

I'm a firm believer in keeping the lines of communication open between parents and teenagers. If you can't bribe them or threaten them with taking away the car keys yet, then I say sitting down and talking to them should be given a chance. Much to the chagrin of my two teenagers, I do this quite often. Talk to them, I mean. On occasion I've even taken the liberty of doing so in public, clearly violating the unwritten teenage law that parents should not be seen nor heard from in any setting outside the home, unless the teen has been maimed by a runaway grocery cart and is now spurting blood from more than two arteries. Then and only then is it permissible for a parent to speak to their teenager and for the bleeding teen to acknowledge the existence of their progenitors.

My son and I have a unique relationship in that when we talk, our conversation is seldom recognized by other adults as communication. It's viewed more as a stand up comedy routine by two very disturbed individuals.

The other morning as I was driving him to school, we had an enlightening chat.
    Me: “Hijo, I think there's something we need to talk about”
    Son: “ok, madre, what is it?”
    (note: He's been taking Spanish for two years and appears to have learned two words, madre and hijo. I'm ever so proud)
    Me: “Do you realize you've been a great disappointment to me?”
    Son: (laughing) “Wow Madre, that's really harsh”
    Me: “Well, you know I believe in being honest with you at all times. Painfully so.”
    Son: “Yeah, I guess so Mom”
    Me: “It's not that we don't love you, we do. It's just...you know....we were hoping for a little more out of you”
    Son: “Like what?”
    Me: “Super powers would have been nice. Would it have killed you to have been bitten by a radioactive spider?”
    Son: “Like you would let me play with spiders”
    Me: “I let you play with your little sisters”
    Son: “They're not radioactive”
    Me: “Not yet”
When he turned sixteen, I decided it was time for The Talk. Yes I know, it was probably too early to do it, but I believe in preparing our youth for what's ahead. I'm nothing if not proactive.
    Me: “ Happy birthday sweetheart"
    Son: "Thanks Madre"
    Me: "Hijo, now that you're sixteen, I think it's time for The Talk"
    Son: "Uh, I don't think so madre"
    Me: "Yes son, It's time. Now, you're going to start noticing some changes in..."
    Son: "MOM!"
    Me: "..your body. Don't be worried, it's all just a natural part of.."
    Son: "MOM!"
    Me: "...getting older. Now you will begin to notice that girls are different from you...."
    Son: (laughing) "You're not funny, Mom!"
    Me: "There's nothing funny about this Chris. It's called puberty, you may have heard that word before. Don't be frightened by it, it's all natural. Are there any questions you would like to ask me about puberty?"
    Son: "Uh, no, mom. I'm good, thanks anyway”
    Me: “I'm just here to help”
Last night I was cooking dinner in the kitchen and he began to question me from the family room. Heaven forbid he get up and walk to where I was to take a look at what I was making.
    Son: “Mmm, that smells good, what are you cooking?
    Me: “Food”
    Son: “what kind of food?”
    Me: “The edible kind”
    Son: “What kind of edible food?”
    Me: “The kind you put in your mouth”
    Son: “What's it called?”
    Me: “Dinner”
    Son: “What is it?”
    Me: “Food”
    Son: “I know it's food, but what kind of food?”
    Me: “The edible kind”
    Son: “Arggggh!”
    Me: “Did you think you were going to win this one?”
So in conclusion, remember it's important to keep those lines of communication open between yourself and your teens. If only to embarrass them.

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comment on this column

Hah! Another excellent column. I've been on the receiving end of that "food" conversation myself.
cynic the hedghog
USA -
OMG--I have had that exact "food" conversation with my 11-year-old. Keep up the funnies, Pam.

Ceil
Anne Bayer
San Jose, CA USA -
I am still laughing at the way you and your son talk to each other!!!!!! I wish I was able to be that way with my sons. sometimes I am too serious. Thank you for making me laugh out loud (lol) this morning.
Sue
NY USA -
I support open lines of communication. I also support embarrassing the heck out of teenagers... :-)
Jeri Lynn
Everett, WA USA -

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