Creative Birth Control

Index

30.October.2006

Due to poor birth control planning, we are the semi-proud parents of four new kittens. This is my husband's fault. As you may recall in a previous column, he was unable to get the female cat into the pet carrier for her trip to the vet. That isn't the real reason he's to blame for the cat getting pregnant though. No, this isn't a case of cross-species breeding gone wild. If it were, you'd be reading about this in the National Enquirer, right next to an article on Hilary's abduction by aliens and the resulting love child.

No, this cat is pregnant because my husband let her out of the house in a failed bid to have her not be our cat. He wanted her to run away, which she did, but only to have her fun and then return in the family way. This is why my husband is culpable for the four new mouths to feed.

As with most feline births, it began in the dead of night. I know this because the momma kitty started to wander the dark house, whining. Ok, it was actually meowing, but trust me, she was whining. I've got four children and if I knew I had to go through four births one right after the other, then I'd be meowing, er whining, as well.

Around five am. I knew she was getting ready to pop, so I picked her up and put her into a cardboard box filled with towels. I also put the box on my bed, so I could keep an eye on the proceedings. My two youngest daughters were sleeping on the floor in my room (don't ask), so I woke them up. How many times do they get to see the messy, disgusting miracle of birth, up close and personal?

They were both fine until they saw the mother cat chewing through the umbilical cord of the first kitten.

Then the mother cat began to eat the placenta surrounding the kitten. It was at that point that I thought my girls were going to keel over in a dead faint.

I was torn. Should I be honest and tell her that no, of course not that's just something that happens in the animal world and we homo sapiens have progressed to pharmaceuticals and nice shiny sharp surgical instruments to cut through things and fleets of nurses that use white fluffy towels to clean off the newborns? Or should I smile enigmatically and say why yes. Yes of course, I did that for each and every one of you, and then watch their eyes widen in horror, their mouths open to scream and lose all hope of ever seeing a grandchild from their wombs?

If it had been my seventeen year old daughter asking that question, I may have lied. What better birth control device could there be than to show a young girl the bloody messy birth of kittens and tell them that they too will be required to do the exact same thing when they have their own babies.

“Why yes sweetheart, didn't they teach you that part of the birthing process during sex-ed in school? No? Well, they should have, it's really the best part. Yum!” Creative Birth Control 101.

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comment on this column

nice :)
;))
gestibar
USA -

HAHAHHA!! I love it!
Janet
Edmonds, WA USA -

ICK! I wasn't born that way. I was escorted into the world by two turtle-dove and a parteidge in a pear tree.
carson
mars, confused USA -

That's what I was going for... Less (MUCH LESS) teenage pregnancies. More babies are always good!
Pamela
WA USA -

ok, maybe not fewer babies, but maybe fewer teen mommies???
REbecca
Mesquite, NV USA -

Well done, again, Pam. Love your creativity and sense of humoUr ...
billio
SouthwesternOntario, Canada -

Hahahahaha! Too bad we can't really use that in sex ed... I bet there would be fewer babies! Well, maybe not really. Too funny by half!
Jeri Lynn
Everett, Wa USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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