Let Me Use the Pliers!

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26.August.2006

Two boys showed up at my door yesterday to see my son. I welcomed them in and noticed something immediately about each of them. They had these things stuck in their ear lobes. Shiny things.

“Hey, did you guys know you have, um, things, metal things, stuck in your ear lobes?" They regarded me with wide-eyed surprise and both of them put their hands up to their lobes to feel the earrings that have pierced their flesh. One kid had little loops and the other one had a blue disk of some sort that was actually stretching itself a nice hole in his ear.

Chris just snorted at me from the other room. He knows me by now so he was pretty certain his pals were in no imminent danger of death. Although if he'd brought me the pliers they might have been.

Have you noticed that more and more kids, and when I say kids, I mean the offspring of parents other than myself, are putting more and more metal items in their ears, noses, lips, chins, eyebrows , tongues and other places best not mentioned in a family newspaper? I'd like to reassure those other parents that I have never seen a piercing on any of their children that wasn't on the facial area.

Wait, I take that back. I think I saw one boy with nipple rings, an experience I'd gladly pay not to have again.

I'm sure that you're saying to yourself, 'man is she out of date', or 'geez I wish I had a personal piercing'. If it's the first, I'd agree with you, if it's the latter, I'd really rather you didn't hang out with my son.

Yes, I'm judgmental, thanks for noticing. It's not that I think that you're a bad person, prone to going to raves, drinking buckets of alcohol, doing drugs, legal or otherwise, or stealing cars if you have more than, oh, say ten piercings, most of which aren't in your ears.

Ok, I lied. I do think you're a bit off the beaten path. And I understand that the beaten path isn't for everyone. I get that. I do. It's just that I'd prefer my son stay on the beaten path, the one with guardrails, SAFETY FIRST signs and arrows that show the way to gentle landings in soft cottony cushions.

I'm what you'd call old fashioned. I cringe when I see someone with an enormous metal ring that goes through the middle of their nasal septum. I have trouble paying attention to what a video clerk is saying to me because I can't take my eyes off her bouncing lip ring. It's shiny and moving and I'm easily distracted by such things.

It's usually at this point that I suspect I'm seconds away from falling into a coma and drooling. I know staring is wrong, I do. I tell my children not to stare at strangers all the time. It's just difficult not to stare at someone who so obviously needs and wants the attention. Why else would they have impaled themselves with shiny objects if not to garner themselves the attention of others? If so, then I'm fulfilling their wishes by gawking. I'm nothing if not helpful.

I still think my son's friends should have let me use the pliers.

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comment on this column

I totally agree. I mean, how do they even talk with some of the piercings. And cold season must be miserable for some of the others... And I don't even like to THINK about the off-the-face piercings... Yuck! Pliers are definitely a good idea! :-)
Jeri Lynn
Everett, WA USA -

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