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Heart Healthy19.April.2006In order to be healthier I've embarked on some bizarre shopping habits. I buy only those items which are guaranteed to taste bland, be difficult to chew using only your teeth (an industrial grinder would be more helpful) and have a list of the nutrients you will be consuming posted on the side of the package that is so long they use a negative font size just to get the entire thing written down.Last week I bought something touted as being 'Heart Healthy'. I believe they lied, since simply chewing this stuff nearly gave me a cardiac arrest. Yes, I soaked it in fat free milk first, but I might as well have dipped a bowl of pebbles in milk for all the good that did me. Perhaps they need to advertise this cereal differently. Saying that it's Heart Healthy isn't truth in advertising. If they had said that consuming this cereal would be all the cardio workout you'd need for a month, then that would be truth in advertising. Plus, I'm quite certain I chipped a tooth and then swallowed that chip. I suppose that upped my calcium intake for the day. My seventeen year old daughter is the source of my inspiration for this new desire to chew my way through card board boxes. She's been going to the gym every day for months, then she began paying someone to train her at the gym and now she puts all her meals inside a ziplock baggie for the day. If it can't fit into that baggie, she won't eat it. I've found that you can get a lot of rocks into one of those baggies, but ice cream gets to be a little messy. I've also noticed people noticing my daughter since she began her quest for consuming only those food items recommended to put her into optimum shape.. When I say people I mean specifically people of the male variety, some of whom are old enough to be my grandfather. This gives me yet another impetus to get into shape so I can beat the crap out of those drooling idiots for even thinking what they're thinking about my little girl. Changing your eating habits can be a hard thing to do. I've also realized that when I do it I can become just a teensy weensy bit crankier than I would normally be if I were to be consuming, oh, say some delicious Haagen-Daz. Which brings me around to my next point. Remember the Twinkie Defense? Dan White went on trial in 1978 for murdering two people in San Francisco and his lawyer successfully argued that the former health-conscious White had turned to eating Twinkies and other junk food which diminished his capacity for distinguishing right from wrong. Voila! Instant innocence! I plan on having my lawyers argue just the opposite. I cannot be held accountable for the actions I take in the future against anyone oogling my seventeen year old daughter. My consumption of heart healthy foods, sorely lacking in taste and resembling items that are the end results of a forest tossed into a wood chipper have diminished my capacity for premeditation. I just want to know one thing. Do they serve ice cream in prison? |
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