You Did WHAT?!?

Index

26.September.2005

There is a saying among journalists about going the extra mile for the story, giving it your all, tossing caution to the wind to get the facts, all the facts and nothing but the facts. Then of course it's all right to embellish. After all that hard work, you're entitled. Or so goes the saying. I'm just kidding. We generally embellish before we get the facts. I'm here to tell you that I have spared no personal pain to bring you a startling story. It's not for the faint of heart and you may want to make your children leave the room while you read. They're going to wonder why your face suddenly screwed up as though you'd just had a flashback to the governors race.

Contrary to popular opinion it is possible to sprain a boob. I am living proof. Actually, I'm not sure the word living accurately conveys what happens after the spraining of a boob, but my editor wouldn't let me use the word I wanted to use.

Boob sprainage is an under reported experience in this country. Whether due to embarrassment on the part of the boob sprainee, or incompetence on the part of the medical community, this painful injury must be brought out into the light of day, out from the closet where it's been hidden due to society's inablility to deal with the word 'boob'.

You can sprain a wrist, an ankle, or a finger. I happened to have sprained a boob.

When I hobbled into Dr. Whitemarsh's office and told him what was wrong I though he was going to have a coronary.

"You what?"

"I think I sprained my boob"

His face turned three shades of red and I wasn't sure if he was laughing or suffering from a sudden onset of facial rosacea. He asked me what happened and I told him the following story:

"I had volunteered to go up into the mountains and be a camp leader for a bunch of prepubescent teenage girls in the wilderness. This was my first mistake. They say that no good deed goes unpunished and I'm considering having that credo tatooed on someone's chest, just not my own. It's still sprained.

While I was there, enjoying the mosquitos, the dust, the not being able to shower and the sleeping with spiders, I was attacked by a lawn chair and a picnic table."

"Do you have witnesses?"

"Of course I do. There were about 350 girls gathered around to do an activity involving trust and ropes and something about something that I can't quite remember right now because I'm in pain"

"Ok, go on"

"Well, it was hot. Did I mention it was hot? Upwards of 200 degrees in the shade and I was thirsty. So I grabbed a bottle of water that had been sitting in a tub of ice. Since some other girls around me looked hot, I thought I'd cool them off. I'm nothing if not helpful. Plus, being an adult leader, sometimes you have to take charge. I was heading off the inevitable heat stroke that was coming to them. I should have gotten a medal. Instead I got doused with ice cold water right back. I'm not saying I didn't have it coming, but it was a shock to my system. This is where the lawn chair and the picnic table saw I was at a disadvantage and moved in for the kill."

"You tripped and fell on them, didn't you?"

"Well, if you want to put it like that, I guess so"

"And you landed on your..uh...side?"

"No, I landed on my boob"

At this point he opened the door to the examination room and called a nurse to come in for a minute. I think he was still trying very hard not to laugh at me.

"I don't have to show you, do I??"

"Well, yeah. I have to see the injury"

After examining the bruises he gave me a prescription for painkillers and told me avoid picnic tables and lawn chairs in the future. I told him it's not a problem. I'm going back to that camp to make kindling out of both.

Now I know why Boob Sprainage is such an under reported medical occurence. It's bad enough that you've done something silly enough to have sprained your boob, but then to have to show it to someone in the medical community is like adding insult to...er, injury.

Next time I go after a story I'm leaving my boobs at home.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

I heard you hurt yourself at camp... Figured you would do anything to get out of the heat. Fell down a couple of stairs about two months ago and landed on my ---- you got it. The sewing machine that was on the landing was not soft. Hurt very bad bruse and all.. Sprain though?? Your too funny However I do not have what you have to Sprain... LOL
Trudy Starr
Seattle, Wa USA -

Oh Pam! It's difficult to restrain my laughter while reading about your unfortunate losing battle with the lawn furniture. I think I may have strained a man-boob while trying ... Ten minuted penalties to all uncooperative lawn chairs and picnic tables!
Bill
Canada -

ROFL! I was wondering when you were going to do a column on that story, hehehe
Pauline's Mama
USA -

Not to laugh at you, but BWAHAHA!!! That was funny! And ouch at the same time... You just need to go find a lady doctor... Medical life has been much easier since I found mine... :-) Keep up the laughter! (cause if you can't laugh, you know you'll just have to cry!)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

Scripts modified from Matt Wright's guestbook. His scripts can be found at Matt's Script Archive

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