Ice Cream and Preparation-H

Index

15.June.2005

There are occasions in life where the stars are all in just the right alignment for making life a dream come true. There is always enough ice cream in your freezer, you never gain an ounce no matter how much you eat, your credit rating is in the stratosphere, the drywall guy that comes to work at your house is gorgeous so you get to look at him all day long and bliss is yours.

Obviously that’s not the destiny the stars have in store for me. Ok, I got the cute drywall guy so apparently the stars believe that was enough bliss for Pamela in this lifetime.

There is a dearth of ice cream in my freezer, mostly due to the fact that I ate my way through it all yesterday while ranting and raving like a lunatic on the phone to different credit reporting agencies and mortgage refinancing people. Actually, there wasn’t much ranting, most of the conversation from my side of the phone consisted of “There’s WHAT on my credit report?” and “You’re KIDDING ME” and “I’m in collections for WHAT?” And if you’re wondering, yes, I did put on fifteen pounds in a twenty-four hour period, thanks for asking.

In an attempt to refinance our home I did what a good consumer does, shop around for the best deal. When asked what my credit rating was, I informed the customer service reps that our scores were high, in the six and seven hundreds. After all, that’s where they were last year. Nothing had changed, had it? Of course not!

When I finally settled on the agency I wanted, they ran a credit check on us. There was silence on the phone for quite a while and then the bubbly service rep lost all his bubbly-ness. Apparently we don’t have enough of a credit rating to purchase a tube of Preparation-H should we encounter a fatal hemorrhoid outbreak.

Un-bubbly rep:

Me, reaching for ice cream:

Un-bubbly rep:

I wanted to ask him if he knew if eating an entire box of ice cream bars would cause hemorrhoids, but I didn’t think our relationship could handle that sort of intimacy just yet. Not knowing the answer to that question, however, did not stop me from doing just that. Eating the entire box I mean. I look at it as a sort of scientific experiment. I’ll let you know the results later.

We have experienced what is known as Identity Theft. This is the second time someone has stolen our identity. I’d prefer it if, when stealing our identity, they were forced to take our high cholesterol, high blood pressure and incipient hemorrhoids as well, but I guess that’s too much to ask. No, they just take away your ability to ever purchase anything on credit again. On the plus side, they do give you a new circle of friends called Collection Agents who call and call and call and keep calling no matter how many times you tell them not to do so.

So now I have a new circle of friends, but no ice cream to share with them. Also on the downside, eating an entire box of ice cream bars does some horrible things to your digestive tract but thankfully doesn’t require a trip to the store for the purchase of Preparation-H. Not yet anyway.

Index

editor's note: due to stoopid people who can't behave in public (ie, spammers) we have had to turn off the comment feature on our older columns. We'll try waiting a while and then turning it back on to see if they get bored and go away. In the mean time, we will manually add any REAL comments if you email them to us. The link is below.

what if they stole a multiple personality's identity?
me, myself, I and you
nowhere, oblivion USA -

Pam, No matter how hard you try it is difficult to make identify theft funny. It is unbelievable that it could happen to you twice. How do you get so lucky? It is very frightening to think of something like that happening to a person. I admire you that you can try to find a funny side to not so funny situations. Thanks for making us smile, Judy
Judy Watkins
USA -

Dear Pam This is NOT a laughing matter and yet, you were able to jot off something that is lighthearted and at times downright funny.. How DO you do it? I would have been running into the hills (well, okay, so there aren't any hills here in sw florida but.....you know, running into those proverbial hills) screaming and going absolutely nuts!! And, yet, from it all, we got to read of your ice cream fetish and the concern over preparation H and its need!! You are tooooooo much!!! I do hope that you are able to get this taken care of and recover from what must be a terrible form of personal violation with little in the way of future problems. And you say this is the second time this has happened to you?? Now, what are the odds of that -- well, with all the attention to this issue, I guess the chances get higher and higher all the time.....sad commentary on society. I don't even need a reason such as this to WANT to consume a whole box of ice cream whatever!! So, I'd say that I probably would have done the same thing...to me ice cream in any form is the ULTIMATE comfort food.... Now, if I could just get it to plant itself somewhere other than my hips :) Good luck, Pam as you work to get this resolved.... OH !!! And, to those of our circle who are not on the mailing list for your updates outside of this circle...let me tell them about a note I got from your webmistres.... THIS WAS PAM's 100th COLUMN ~ Congrats on that hallmark. Let's all give her a big round of applause (cyber-like) for keeping us laughing through some of life's stickier moments. Hugs to you Pam
Lee
Lee Ambrose
USA -

Pamela - Anyone who can see the humerous side of Identity Theft deserves a Congressional Medal--or, maybe in your case, a free tube of Preparation-H. Thanks--AGAIN--for helping me to keep my daily irritations in perspective! Lou
Lou Lyman
USA -

hey Sweetie. BTDT and wore out the t-shirt. One of the reasons we moved in with my parents. Huggles from your sis in the faith.
Annalee
USA -

Wow... What a bummer! But I bet the ice cream tasted good! I recommend eating the next whole box of ice cream bars during a less stressful event. Hey! I bet the stress of all those calls burned up at least that many ice cream bars. You may have to eat more to stay balanced! :-)
Jeri Lynn
Shoreline, WA USA -

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