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That once truculent, obedient sweet child that you’ve given birth to, bathed, fed held in your arms and loved more than life, has suddenly been replaced by an alien that speaks another language, listens to strange music, only wants to eat fast food and doesn’t want to spend any time with you, especially in public. Congratulations! You’ve given birth to a teenager! You may not feel that congratulations are in order, because this new alien being who still looks very much like your child, acts nothing like your child and this is confusing and upsetting to you. Take heart, you’re not alone. From the dawn of time, parents have experienced their children changing from the loving sweet child they were, to the at-times surly and incomprehensible teenager. It’s a rite of passage that we’ve all taken in order to separate ourselves from our parents and establish our own identities. Sometimes this can be a painful process, for both parent and teenager, and it’s not without its bumps and sometimes even mountainous problems. There is a way to make smooth the road you’re traveling with your teenager and it all hinges on you, the parent. It takes more than love to raise a good kid. Generally up to this point in your child’s life, you have been the greatest influence on them. This changes during their teen years as your influence is replaced by that of their peers. Suddenly your approval means much less to them and their friend’s much more. The days of your child jumping on a trampoline and yelling “mommy look at me! Look at me!’ is replaced with them saying ‘what are you looking at?’ if you happen to give them a quizzical look. Teenagers experience tremendous pressure to fit in with their peers and this can lead to devastating results for them if their immediate circle of friends does not hold high standards and the values that you have tried to instill in them as children. Peer pressure on your teenager can also be a good thing, if the friends your child spends time with are leaders and are able to make decisions rejecting things like drugs and alcohol, making their influence a positive one. This is why it’s extremely important for you as their parent to know who your child is associating with, even going so far as to become involved with their parents in order to keep informed of where they are, what they’re doing. If your son or daughter is keeping bad company, then it’s your duty to help them break that connection. This won’t be an easy thing to do. As a parent, keeping your teenager involved in the decision making process will enable them to feel a portion of control over their own lives. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be a difference of opinion. For the most part, conflict between you and your teenager doesn’t mean that your child is rejecting you, rather it’s a re-negotiation of your relationship parameters. Here are some strategies to aid your child in dealing with peer pressure: • Nurture your child’s self esteem and praise their abilities. Teenagers with good self-esteem are less likely to fall in with negative peer pressure. • Keep your child engaged in positive relationships with adults and teens. Your teenager should have significant adults as positive influences in their life. Whether it’s a teacher, a school counselor or a religious leader, these adults will serve as positive role models and your teen will feel that they have value in their eyes. • Role play. Before your child ever encounters peer pressure to smoke, drink or do drugs, you should role play in order to give them the skills to say no gracefully to giving in to the pressure. This may sound silly to them, but if you start doing it early in their life, before they become teenagers, you will have more success with it. • Encourage them to accept diverse relationships. Adults in your teenager’s life should be good role models in acceptance of people’s differences; cultural, religious, race, socioeconomic status and other differences. Teach your child that everyone has value. • Equip your child with the skills necessary to weigh the consequences of their actions. Teach them about smoking, the physical effects, the cost, the addiction and the terrible smell you have when you smoke. When they’re offered a cigarette (or worse) they will be able to analyze the situation and make the correct decision. Peer pressure can be a powerful influence on your teenager, but you are still the parent and although the friends they chill out with will exert their pressure, you can give your child the skills to deal with it positively. Societal Pressures on Your Teenager There is peer pressure and there is the pressure that society puts on your teenager. Girls are told that they’re worthless unless their bodies are stick-thin. Too much of their self-worth is tied to their body image because society places too much value on the physical aspect. They’re taught this by way of magazines, television shows, music videos and they take it to heart. If you’re not thin, then you’re not worthy of being happy, of being successful or of fitting in. As a parent it’s important for you to instill in your daughter that her value, her sense of self-worth is not something that should come from external sources. Encourage her self-worth, applaud her accomplishments and refrain from making comments on her weight. Obsession with weight leads to negative self-worth and can sometimes result in eating disorders that can take years to resolve and may sometimes be fatal. Society not only pressures our teenage girls, but also affects our teenage boys as well. They’re taught that being macho is good; to be a player, to be strong, big boys don’t cry and if you’re not strong, then you’re not worthwhile and you’re not a man. Societal pressure on our teenage girls and boys leads to difficulties in relationships later in life as well as a host of other issues. If we can maintain a positive influence on our teenagers as parents by making sure we encourage their self esteem, give them the skills necessary to fight society’s negative pressures and showing them the path to self-assurance and control over their self-doubts, then we’re giving them the tools for successful emotional health and a happier life. There are other pressures and stressors that may affect our children though, like bullies. Love Your Child Enough to Say No and Mean it. When your child asks you something, it’s not always necessary to say yes to them. You’re their parent, not their friend and parenthood is not a popularity contest. It may not be easy to say no and stick to it, but you must. Children need consistency in their lives. They will push boundaries and it’s your job to make sure those boundaries are not crossed. When your teenager has misbehaved—has crossed a line they knew they should not have crossed—it’s your job as the parent to show them that their actions have consequences. Sending them to their room can be a form of punishment for them, but not if you’re sending them to a room equipped with video games, cable television, cell phones and the Internet. That’s more along the lines of rewarding them for their poor behavior choices than a punishment. Instead of reinforcing the idea that bad behavior comes with bad consequences, you’ve just given them access to the entire world through electronics, not to mention that they don’t have to face you and your displeasure. Loving your child means that you understand love is not enough to raise a good kid. Loving your child means that: • You set boundaries for them and stick to them • You’re aware that you have to make tough decisions and stick to them • Help them to understand that their actions have consequences • Teach them to make good choices by making good choices yourself. In other words, be a good example to your children in all things • Continue to tell them you love them, even as you’re enforcing consequences for poor choices Raising teenagers can sometimes be a difficult venture, but if you can learn to remain calm, to have a plan, to make sure that you and your parenting partner are on the same page so that your child doesn’t play you against one another, and to be consistent in your love and your rules, then you are doing all you can in order to raise a good kid. A teenager that knows a two week grounding means that you’re going to relent and let him off after three days because he’s making your life miserable is not learning anything. If you say two weeks, make it two weeks and stick to it. Despite what they say, your teenager needs consistency. They rely on it and it brings order to their life. Sometimes despite our best efforts though, our teenagers will make poor choices. They may cave into peer pressure to indulge in drugs or alcohol, then what? Teenagers and Substance Abuse Despite your best efforts at teaching your teenager good values and equipping them with strategies to combat peer pressure, they may fall into some bad habits. Your child still has free will, and can make decisions that are not grounded in sensible thinking. When this happens, what do you do? Ok, panicking isn’t a good idea, although that might be your first reaction. Take deep breaths and calm yourself. Screaming and yelling won’t solve the problem, even if that feels like something you’d like to do. Collect yourself and your emotions before you confront your teenager. Have a plan of action. Perhaps speaking to a school counselor who has training in substance abuse issues may help, or speak to your religious leader to gain insight into the problem. Reinforce to your teenager that you love them and are concerned. Let them know that no matter what, they can talk to you and that this isn’t about punishing them but about helping them. Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m sure if you think back over your youth you may have made a few wrong turns that you regret as well. Educate yourself on the drugs that teenagers are abusing. There is alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, methamphetamines, inhalants, prescription drug abuse, to mention just a few. Some of these drugs can be fatal when first taken and most are addictive. If you believe that your teenager has an addiction problem, it’s best to consult a professional in the area of teen drug addiction. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your teenager. Talk to the parents of your teenager’s friends. They may not be aware that there is a problem. Together you can combat this evil and reclaim your child from the bonds of addiction. If your child is addicted, then you can expect that there will be relapses. Do your best to be patient and remember to always tell your teenager that you love them, despite the painful choices they’ve made. Consequences of Breaking the Law. There are two schools of thought on how to react when your child has broken the law. One is to bail them out, make excuses for their bad behavior and make certain that nothing unpleasant ever happens to them because of their actions. The second school of thought embraces the notion that your child should suffer the consequences of their unlawful choices in order to help them learn from the school of hard knocks, but to stand by them with love and compassion during this time. If you are a firm believer in the former rather than the latter, then there’s a good chance that you may have already spent a good portion of your time bailing your child out from the consequences of their bad behavior in the past. By never allowing your child to experience the fact that all actions have consequences, either for positive or for negative, you have denied them the opportunity to grow and to learn from their mistakes. If your teenager has broken the law, they need to pay the fine, do the community service or perhaps even some time in juvenile detention. No, it’s not where you want them to be but their actions put them there. Love them, talk to them, make certain they know that no matter what they’ve done you still love them and you always will. Unconditional love means you don’t stop loving them even if they’ve made huge mistakes. Make sure your child knows that. When you’re raising a child, issues of control will rise to the surface from the moment they’re born. They may become a bit more noticeable when they become toddlers, then it simply becomes an uphill climb after that as they grow into teenagers. Why does this happen? It’s because humans want to control their environment, we have a deep seated need to have things go our way, to make our own choices, and some children are more inclined than others to push for control. It’s a way of exerting their individuality and expression. As a parent you must learn to pick your battles. I’m not advocating fighting, rather just the opposite. If your child wants to do something that isn’t harmful to them, to anyone else or to the environment, then perhaps it’s ok to allow them to do it, even if it’s not something that you’re entirely comfortable with. For instance, allow your young child to pick which clothes they wish to wear during the day. Unless they’re choosing to wear a bathing suit in sub-zero weather, then this is not a huge battle that must be fought. Giving your child control over small things helps them in the decision making process and gives them a feeling of control. Once they learn that wearing shorts out when it’s cold isn’t such a good feeling, they’ll make better choices in the future. From small decisions they will learn how to make larger ones and you must relinquish control over them little by little in order to give them wings to fly on their own. You chose their food, their clothing and everything they experienced when they were small, by giving them control little by little and choosing your battles over big decisions, you are teaching them about consequences and life. Don’t be a drill sergeant with your children, but you shouldn’t allow them to run roughshod over you either. Find a balance between the two you will discover a more peaceful way to raise a good kid. Setting Boundaries. Webster defines a boundary as ‘something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line’. A boundary within the context of raising good kids has a lot to do with limits that you as the parent impose on your child. Despite what your child says, they need boundaries, they need limits, if only to know where to push and to know that the lines don’t move. Boundaries should be set for behavior, for clothing, as well as curfews and friends. In order to raise a good kid they must know where the lines are and they must also understand that you love them even if they’ve crossed a line you have asked them not to cross. Setting a boundary, like a curfew, will give your child a limit. It’s a line they should not cross and if they do, they need to know that there is a consequence for overstepping that line. Stay firm. Be consistent. When you tell your child that the consequence for crossing Line A is Consequence B, then stick with it. Do not allow them to talk their way out of their consequences, because later on in life they may try to do that very same thing and sadly discover that the real world isn’t as forgiving (or as lenient) as you are. A set boundary is there for a reason, like a fence to keep in cattle so they don’t go tramping down the garden and ruin the produce. Once a boundary is lifted or broken through, bad things can happen and the consequences may be devastating. Set boundaries for your children. Do it with love and stick with them. In later years they WILL thank you for it. How to balance freedom? Always a tricky question: How much freedom is too much freedom? Naturally when your children are small you aren’t going to allow them to walk down to the store by themselves, that would simply be ridiculous. There are far too many dangers that they aren’t equipped to deal with at their young age. From traffic to strangers, you know and understand what they’re facing out on the street and they don’t. At what age do you allow them to walk to the store? To spend the night with friends? When are they old enough to be left at home alone? We’ve all known kids that seem to be left unsupervised because there is only one parent and they’re working all the time, or there are two parents that are working full time and aren’t around to keep an eye on things. Then there is the opposite situation where some parents do their very best to micro manage every second of their child’s life. Neither is the optimal balance for a child in which to learn and grow and find their own way in life. There has to be a balance where the child is kept safe, yet is allowed to spread their wings gradually and grow. You know and understand your child better than anyone else. You know where they are mentally, developmentally, physically and spiritually. You wouldn’t turn them loose in a candy store and tell them to eat everything in sight, just as you don’t turn them loose in the world without teaching them how to make good choices and allowing them to make minor errors in judgment so they can see that their choices have consequences. It’s up to you as the parent to balance your child’s freedom with their safety. Listen to them. Help them to be strong and you’ll know that, for the most part, their decisions will be grounded in sound thinking and be based on the values you have instilled in them. An infant cannot be given solid food, and a teenager won’t be satisfied with baby food. There’s a time and a season for everything and once you see that your child has gone beyond the baby food, you can introduce more substantial fare, more freedom, into their lives. Gradually they will learn to be safe and revel in their freedom. It’s all about balance. Just as a marathon runner plans for success, so too should you as a parent. Parenthood is not a sprint race, it truly is more of a marathon and you must make plans for training, for the long haul and for ultimate success. The same adage that works in business, also works in parenting: If don’t plan, you plan to fail. Make sure you plan to succeed. It’s a good idea to make decisions about how you’re going to deal with a situation long before it comes up. If you do this you’re not reacting to something emotionally, you’ve planned and you already know what your response is going to be. For instance, how will you deal with the following situations with your children? • Swearing • Smoking • Skipping school • Back talking • Drugs and alcohol abuse • Promiscuity There are a great many more situations that may arise as you raise your children and you can’t always plan for everything, but you can get ready for the biggies. Learn as much as you can about parenting from different sources. Training can consist of learning about parenting through free classes that are offered at your child’s schools or from reading books on parenting; however you should always go with your feelings where your child is concerned if you get advice that contradicts what you feel to be true. Talk to your husband or wife or parenting partner, make sure you’re on the same page. One of the best strategies for successful parenting is to stay connected with your child, especially during those difficult teenage years when they may not seem to want you to be. It’s then that they need you the most. It’s been said before, but it bears saying again. Know your kids, keep track of them, know where they are and who they’re with. Talk to them, hug them, love them and never let them forget that you love them. Success might not be a stress-less path, but it is truly a worthwhile one. It really does take more than love to raise a good kid. It takes strength and love and perseverance and so much more. It may sound trite and it may be a cliché, but our children truly are the future and we owe it to them not to coddle them, not to give in to their every whim and not to help them escape the consequences of their actions but rather help them learn from their mistakes. At the same time it’s our job as parents to protect them and to teach them how to make good decisions. They won’t ever learn this unless we allow them to make decisions on their own. Most important of all, be a good example to your children. Practice what you preach, and love them enough to be strong and keep them within safe boundaries until they’re old enough and mature enough to fly solo.
Article Source: http://www.pamela-troeppl.com/articles
Tessa is the mother of four children and hosts a website discussing the ins and outs of raising teenagers at www.RaisingTeenagersRight
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